.. And so after the drunken blog of last week..

.. I'm sitting, effectively waiting until i need to go out -
I'm going to see friends and play pretty unnecessary-yet-loads-of-fun-nonetheless boardgames..
and I'm reflecting on my current situation with girls.

I think of it often.

I think often.

I think.

Therefore I must Be..

hmmmm..

Never mind - here : the issue.
and god knows it's pathetic.

I have a girlfriend - Girl 1. and I also have an old friend (Girl 2) who I was in love with, totally, about 6 years ago.. and who offered me the opportunity of enduring the biggest heartbreak evar.
SO -

Both girls are/were LDRs (Long-Distance Relationships), 1 is 4 hours away by plane, 2 is 15 hours by plane. (this is to give a rough idea of distance - we'll not mention cost).

So,.. old feelings for Girl 2 are coming back really strongly - strong enough that I'm bothered by randomness in things she says. I'm again reading her words to me, words to others, in efforts to understand more about what she's thinking. If I can get a really undeniable bead on her thoughts toward others, I can extrapolate thoughts toward me.

She tells me she 'loves' me - in what feels like a platonic way, but then can flirt like a long-term-single mum at a speeddating night. it's very confusing.
Recently, I jokingly projected that I would be the future husband/father of her children - after which she, albeit laughingly, told me ... "hehehehe - you're so full of shit.. heheheh"

er.. thanks.


now - some typing for Girl 1. my actual girlfriend.
I was supposed to be seeing her in early June, after having put off meetings because of work responsibilities.
I introduced the idea that I might not choose to actually come, which made her furious, and began a week-long series of arguments, in celebration of how wrong I was. (kinda like how roman emporers were remembered and celebrated with games.

games in which people died.

I'm sitting now, having visited the airline' website thinking that I'd be able to stifle my doubts and feelings, and book the flight for 2 weeks' time and it'd all be marvellous.

I always enjoy time with her, but hate the arguments, and childishness..
PLus, fundamentally, my romantic feelings for Girl 2 are stronger than they are for her, Girl 1.

I hate hurting people, especially people that invest their feelings in me..
god knows, I hate being hurt by people I love.
but then, one always is.. lol


ugh, I don't like this current predicament.

do I go in a couple of weeks, sending messages to everyone, stating my positivity in this relationship, ignoring my feelings. or do I hold fast, and say that I'm actually not coming.. and deal with the fallout.. ?

either will happen - and i think the impact on Girl 2 would be very minimal.
Girl 2, as truly blossomed since I loved her all those years ago.

she's gone from a (little bit nerdy)20-yr old student/waitress, to an absolutely (in my eyes Stunning) event coordinator/model/actress/dancer/celebrity...

and I've gone, in the same time from someone overweight and pretty bald, to someone even balder and still overweight, although I have a great education, and some good qualifications, enjoying a great job that my superiors congratulate me with, in promotions and grand ideas of leadership.
i have a nice car.. I still live at home, but have a good lifestyle, and crucially, a good relationship with my folks.. my lifestyle isn't a 24hr drug-fuelled bender..
quite the opposite.. Minus, of course, the tweed..
I don't really drink, I no longer smoke - having been a trivial smoker (my doctor's words, not mine)..




*sigh*..

I'm in love with the dream that is Girl 2.

they say that Girl 2, is always greener.

i'm caught between my own wishes, an inability to confidently voice my feelings, a couple of big life-philosophies, and every movie-based casual 'do this because we're making it feel poignant' approach to living..


and of course, booking flights.


ugh.




12.

So you're drunk..
and as you remember it..

you fought with your actual dirfriend on sunday..
now is thursday - very early drunken hours


you're thinkin that you'llremember this all very clearly -
experiment! :D - ..

still
you've been tinkin o the other girl, the one who wants to see you too.. Shhhhhhhhh..
apparently her gift ha arrived
wy cah't you end things with girl 1, so that girl 2 can be seen in peron?/
that's person
not peron
:P



I dn't now

whnver i approah the subject of breaking upw ith girl 1, i get cowardly ad chickin out..
she becomes the ensitive, quiet person i thinki need in m lief, and not the fiery mediterranean (while drunk, spelling mediterranean!!) who always has to be right an get her way


i' tired.

need bed, but not before posting this. .



continue..
oyou got red on you


....



more drunk than i've been in years

4 hours, high-school friends, and 6 pints of bitter....

or n7?

where n= 1 pint..

?

physics.. bah.

formulae bah


not bah, just for other minds.



sleepy now -

and bored.


G'NIGHT!
:d

OOP

CAPS

:D

G'night.


12.