.. So that which bothers me today, is......

I'll admit, Christmas day was a pretty good laugh - I spent it with my parents (obviously - I still live at home), my sister and her boyfriend. The 5 of us.

The whole deal was pretty good, really - I'd drive to get my sister just before christmas dinner, so that they could stay overnight, not worry about the car, get absolutely wasted, sleep overnight, and I'd take them home on boxing day. That was the plan, and it worked beautifully.
There was a bit of a crisis - they'd brought a Wii, but not Wii Sports. The Wii is nothing without this, so between the main course, and pudding, we made the 40-minute drive to rescue wii bowling, and a couple of other bits.

I'd expected it to be a weird one, really - it's the first Christmas without my grandmother - she died last month. So i was thinking of mum. My dad's mother had died when he was much younger - in his 20s i think..

She was snappy pretty much all day, and point-blank refused any assistance. However - given my limited experience with women (by choice, obviously), this might simply be a woman-thing.

At the very end of the day, I followed her to the kitchen, wondering how she was managing - she said she was fine. I followed that with the pretty expected sentiments of 'i ca't believe how quickly this one came around', and ' only 364 days until the next one'..

she countered them with "Maybe there will be 6 of us at the table next year".



Yes - I didn't have a table-companion.
For all intents and purposes I'm single.. my actual girlfriend is, as I've mentioned, 4 hours away -
and, hilariously, the woman I love is over twice that.


I hate that there's a distinction between the two - have I lied to my girlfriend our whole relationship? Was it a convenient lie to encourage her patience with me? Was it a lie, made easier by a lack of actual romantic intrigue in my life?

how much of my relationship with her was a reaction to a depression some years ago?

ugh.

I guess this process of getting things into language does reveal some thoughts that might have otherwise not had an airing - plus it allows you to reflect on what you've just written.

if only for a moment.



3 days ago, this other girl said to me ".. you know how much I love you..." (no I don't, but it gives me the best opportunity, after 5 and a half years to again say) "well, I love you, too...."


Y'know those 'gourmet' microwave meals you get from the supermarket, that have a photograph on the front which paints the contents as the meal that you will come to long for, every single time you're feeling hungry... yet once it's cooked, all you can smell is the plastic tray, and all you can taste is the fierce temperature..

you can't empty it onto a plate, because no matter how beautiful the plate, disturbing the....whatever it is.... will only take it further away from that photographic fantasy...
And its nature also won't let you leave it to cool - as all of its beauty is engineered to find it's peak when it is flesh-searingly hot. All of its fats and oils will start to solidify within 4 or 5 degrees of "piping hot", the parsley non-garnish and cheesy sprinkles will slide into the pools of orange oil that always form with microwave food.


"you know how much I love you.."


All I was tasting was the plastic tray - which probably means I was looking for ambrosia the whole time.


To put 'you know how much i love you' in a context :

I had asked her about it it would be if I went to see her, and spend a week in her city.


"""... so here's a question
if I did turn up.. I mean.. - just appeared in front of you one day, there, and said that I'd be there for a week.. how would it be for you? -
( i know i keep coming to this topic, i'm sorry - it's in my mind lately)

Her -

just messed up. lol nice but messed up i'd be like... there's something missing... like, a monitor screen.

Me - :) :)

it'd be like that for a couple of seconds, if at all.. I mean.. day to day.. seeing people you know.. how would we be together, how much time could you spend with me.. y'know.. real stuff :):)

Her -

oh yes, of course ;0

:):)

hey babe, gonna head home or rather, get my hair cut :):) i'm quite excited!

:P:P

Me -

.. excited at the proepect of a haircut? .. :):) - have fun anyway - it can only make you more gorgeous i reckon .. or maybe not ! :P:P ,,,, but listen, have a think about what I asked?

Her -

i think about it all the time dude. i guess the moment will decide for itself. :):)

you know how much i love you.

Me -

- well I love you too

Her - aw. fuzzee. :P:P

but dude, so sorry... running late ... hold that thought til tomorrow?

Me -

.. i hold it too much - it'll be there tomorrow whether I like it or not ;);)

Her -

(K)
Me -

(K)!
Her -

hang in there!

hehe

huggles and such.

:):)

have a good day babe


_____


it's pretty comprehensively confusing i think,

I'm obsessed with the thought of her, just like i was before.
and it takes massive efforts to even try to stay away - thankfully a lot of the day involves me doing other things, so she's hardly in my mind. But there inevitably comes an image, or an association of thoughts that trigger memories that bring her to mind - and i'm dealing with her presence - worrying about her safety, envying the people she's with - wishing I was slimmer, prettier, more muscular, and more where she is..


it's been so long though.. :(
i'm over analysing - which i do, often.
i think this is the last remnant of rumination from a less secure period in my life.
I'm not saying for a second that I've cracked it, but I loved this woman, when i didn't know what true emotional obsession was - or at least, when I was a lot less careful about obsession.


however! -

it's saturday, and it's freezing cold, and crisp and clear outside,
so I'll get some sub-zero sun!



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the mail i'll never send..

So yeah - that girl from the last post - the girl I fell in love with, years ago..

I'm in love with her all over again,
long story short -

meet through forum: chat, email, email email email, chat, text, chat, email, chat, text, chat, text, text call, call, call, call, call, call, - whoa.. I fucking love this girl -

for whatever reasons, it all ends -

and now here - now.. after years' innocent correspondence, and several relationships each, i can't shake the thought of her.

recently (within the last 4 or 5 months), we helped each other through tough emotional times.. her partner cheating on her, and my loss of a family member..
Shortly after the latter, all this emotional, sensitive, feely bollocks comes back to haunt me..

I wrote this mail in the social networking site's message window, and couldn't send it..

so it's here, if only so it's somewhere saved, ready for me to copy, paste and send to her, when i wake up thinking of nothing else..

:


I know I wrote less than 2 days ago, that I hate disappointing you - but I fear I must risk it here..

I can't really pinpoint when, maybe the moment after nan died and we were talking on the phone - or the week after, when my friend and I were chatting to you, drunk, and on the web cam - but you escaped the part of my mind where I can deal with things quickly, fairly and equally, and you returned to the part where you were all that time ago, where I involuntarily hold onto things, memories, feelings, dreams, hopes - and where I have no choice but to allow them to dominate my waking life..
I've spent nights awake, since - trying to shake you out.. and trying to think about other things, focusing on my girlfriend, and flying to her in 3 weeks' time, but I can't stop thinking about you..

you can't believe how difficult, choosing to write this was..

Of all the things I considered - you, your life there, your work and play there, your happiness there - the relationship you're probably just about to embark on there, they're all so important..... - I can't believe I'm considering writing this sort of email again to you..

lesser things - .. my life here, my work here, .. my relationship (whatever that is...) waking up everyone morning until you reply, terrified by what I'll find on the social networking site.. looking at your profile to see if your status has changed from 'Single' to 'in a relationship'.
they're all incentives to just not write this - to not think like this.

it' so pathetic, and I can't believe I'm nearly 30, and thinking like this all over again - i can't apologise enough.

The hopeless romantic in me writes this, wanting to hear that you've been covering up similar thoughts and feelings recently - and that various things have stopped you confessing, or announcing..

I simply know that you can't be thinking like that.
I know, compared to my life, your life is full,

i dream about going to your work building, posing as a courier with a parcel for you, and revealing my identity as you sign for the empty box..

or a flower deliverer, hiding behind the bouquet..

I dream about getting to your house, calling you from outside your window, waiting for you to realise that I'm right there, finally.

I dream about a life together..

i keep thinking about dialling your old number.. ..
i dialled it every day for months and months, it's burned in there.

I think back to talking with your dad, and the fallout afterward - and people's advice about letting you go, and that if it's meant to be, it'll come back..

Here you are - back.. maybe, - and the timing's terrible.




---


that's as far as I got, before the conscience-reflex kicked in..

it's hopeless - .. not hopeless.. but Difficult beyond reason.

she lives at least 10 hours away by plane, and I've never met her..
yet I'm obsessed by her, by what I know about her, about what i feel for her.

we've 'felt' each other totally since we started correspondence.. this was late 2001, i think.. -
The affection comes and goes.. and for years she popped into my brain, as I (metaphysically speaking), popped into hers - the odd spontaneous check-up text from her confirming this to my fickle psychology..

There's a girl where I work that looks like her, and who i find delectible.
but she's married - so i'm trying to deal with that.


.. Add this to the situation i have with my current partner - who lives a mere 4 hours away by plane - and who i seemingly cannot please with anything short of a marriage proposal.

not for me, now - or, maybe, more simply, not her..



I'm determined not to think myself into a depression again -
so typing this helps.


god, i'm weak.





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The difficult 2nd post....

So originally I opened this blog to be a frivolous venture into making embarrassed examples of the pathetic, useless, and often expensive gadgets and toys that litter my unnecessarily cool glass desk.

I find myself here, now wanting to do something different -

I've been to and from the "new blog" bit of this thing, wanting to start another blog under a different title, in an effort to start something much more personal.
a space where I can be honest with myself.
Still, that watch, with all its bollocky, pretentious design, and too-expensive to be cheap/too cheap to be expensive-ness, could be the key to some self-discovery...

So the title, and shitty first post stay.

I'll just make the content different yet totally not related to that catchy title.




a little bit like the film "Rush hour"...


Anyway..

I'm a firm believer in the therapeutic benefits of simply talking about stuff. Airing that which is on your mind, without the almost expected need for answers.

I had visions of writing down certain things - events in my life that have maybe slowed me down, or sped me up, or simply stopped me in my tracks.
if only so that they're there, as either a reminder, or a diary..

However, I've had 15 profile views since posting that one message, over a year ago -
it leads me to believe that those people possibly read what I wrote. If that's true, they probably looked to my profile for explanations..

That means if I write personal stuff, people can read it.


I'm not sure that I'm comfy with that yet.



And there's the whole anonymity thing.. I've had a long 'career' online, and have always thought that there's no point in taking part in forums/chat rooms/instant messaging, if you're not honest. Partly because I don't have a keen enough memory to be a consistently brilliant liar..
(or brilliantly consistent?)

The stuff I want to type into this, is stuff that I hold from pretty much everyone in my life. except my mother. She knows and hears pretty much everything I go through.


This 'writing stuff down' concept - I got it from someone who was big in my life about 6 years ago.. The first woman i confessed love for. And it turned out that I was the first man she had such feelings for, too, but she had trouble resolving it, to her own satisfaction.. I'm assuming that in discussing this with her friends, one recommended she write a letter to herself - and mail it.

For the purpose of the exercise, she writes down her thoughts, and feelings as they exist in the moment; positives and negatives. Ideas and thoughts noted down in that moment can be long-standing opinions, or purely emotional sentiments, but they all flow from the brain to the pen-tip in that moment. When the letter arrives, two days later, the moment has long passed, and the familiar feelings and emotional ideas are read next to each other, and perhaps reveal unseen, yet obvious truths, good or bad.

That letter-writing exercise confirmed to her (in too logical a manner, perhaps?) that she did have love for me - and it made me unarguably the happiest man on planet earth that day. Ultimately, though, complications and circumstances conspired together to force us to end that relationship, before it really found its voice.
I guess this was one of those events that stopped me in my tracks; it was the single biggest heartbreak i have ever been subjected to.

She's still significant in my life, in spite of the sheer distance - and my girlfriend, in cold, frank terms, is a complication - but who knows what's to come?



While that was the biggest heartbreak, it wasn't the biggest emotional scar.
I hope to have the balls to write about that, on this place where people can read.

and maybe comment.


BUT! It's almost midnight, and I like sleep!






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