.. unfamiliar familiarity..

So..

I've been hurting for 2 weeks,

I've not been woken by my alarm in those 2 weeks - i've been woken by intense fear and panic, on average, 2 hours before it goes off - I usually sleep through it at 6:30..
I've had a need to either check twitter and myspace from my phone, when i wake in the small hours, or check the web on my laptop, as soon as i wake up at 4 or 5..

Several things have been happening - I think I kicked it off, assuming that it would be acceptable for the new girl to present me as a boyfriend to her family, should I return to her in December..
This was not met with enthusiasm - she said that it would be way too soon - and I bowed to her view - left it totally up to her - which was alright.. but I think it's got her worried from that point.

ever since then, I guess.. there have been dramas after dramas..

a close friend of theirs was involved in a disgusting crime, involving a woman, her boyfriend and her 2 yr old daughter. I'll keep it light on details, but the child died at their hands, and they tried to incriminate a non-existant 3rd party.. they're both off, scott free.. I was concerned that this had hurt her family, so i was worried for her.

During hearing about this.. I called her from my cellphone - the line was shit, so i told her I'd call right back, from a landline.

in the 2 seconds between her opening the line, and starting to talk to me, i thought i heard her talking about how semen tastes...

granted, she and I had been quite adventurous in bed - and there was plenty of room for her to be recounting our experiences, but still.. - to hear it from someone you love, without context is .. y'know.. weird.. I shook it off..

I'm thinking I'd forgive her pretty much anything..

Like, before I flew to her - calling what I thought was her number, to hear what sounded like a porn film on the other end.. lots of sex-noises..

I called back right away, to find her calm, barely awake on the other end. I shook it off..


shaking off her inconsistent behaviour is making me so tired..


I text, and get no replies. She says she's busy, and I fully believe that she could be really *that* busy, but then i discover her twittering during the day - No time to text me back (she texts SO fast.. ), yet time to post photos?

I'm feeling so Used, so taken-advantage-of..

the absolute last thing I wanted to be, was a quick shag, and a week in 4-star hotels for free..

Having known her for almost 10 years, it was the absolute last thing i expected, but the more we get away from the holiday bliss, and more into the reality of how we both seem to be handling things now, the less I'm thinking of the good things - I'm mourning them.

and feeling properly fucking betrayed.

Every Logical fibre of my being, tells me that I've been used, comprehensively -
and I'm almost more terrified of there being a fully plausible, miraculous all-covering reason for this borderline-abusive behaviour..

This week, she was abused physically by a family member..

Who does she contact?

me.

cries down the phone to me for 45 minutes..

was it an act? to tell me that she's been insulted on the basis that she sleeps with men, not of her race? and that I would "be killed" if I was in a position to go round to take her away from that place..

does she know what she's saying?
does she have any idea? - could she really be *that* naiive?

it seems I don't know her well enough, nearly.
when I thought I did.

that's something she's been saying, and I've been defending, because I want a future with her so much..

what is on my mind, is January - she's had a flight booked to come to my country in january....
I thought that going before this, we could establish an 'agenda'.. and I could find out by visiting her, how January could be, for me/us..

how I proceed over the coming days and weeks, will probably define 'january'

She'll be in the country probably , for 8 days -
the original plan, was to split it between her friends in another city, and me, here..

I hate to think that she'll be in this country, in this city, at the same time as me, and i'll be going through hell, not being able to see her..

My parents already really don't like her -



I'm so disappointed and upset, I can't put into words how sick i feel right now..


I didn't eat today -
I barely ate yesterday.. Hopefully weightloss can be measurable, soon..


I've been saying today, that I'll probably get a sign from her, either a call or a text, JUST as i'm starting to feel that there's no hope.. and she Yanks me back in..


how much of this REALLY is her?
how much of this REALLY is me? -


my imagination gets me into REAL trouble..



I'm so tired, and upset, and sick, and tired..

I have to be tough.










12

Bizarrely accurate horoscopes...

Me

and she's WAY more grown up about the prospect

way more sensible

she wouldn't let me move

if it was just for her

... she becomes exactly the woman I want

she's sensible, and rational.. and beautiful, and comfortable around me..

and I can't tell her anything about how I feel, because it makes her nervous, and makes me look clingy and needy

and I can't be close to her

so I'm going out of my mind, thinking I came so close, and am missing my one chance..

.. I've made her so important in my mind..

ugh

I hate it.

:(:(

all the time when i was with Girl 1 - I wanted to feel something sure..

and now I do and it's punishing me every minute
Them

oh my god... she's NOT your 'one chance'...

she really isn't
Me

.. I know that logically.. - i do

it's just how it feels in the moment

and it's dominating my thoughts

even she told me there's be other girls..

lol

she hated that I was over there just for her..

she's absolutely fine without me, and it depresses me so badly.
Me

it puts Girl 1 into a whole new light, y'know..

i cn read her twitter feed with no problem
Them

everything you've just said, if it was happening to me, alarm bells would be ringing. and i'm pretty sure if it was happening to me, you'd be thinking the same thing i'm thinking now... all the things D has said that have made you think of her as 'sensible' and 'mature', to me just sound like she's not as interested as you are and she's backing off.

thats how it looks to me anyway, i don't know what you two had over there though

Me

.. I know she's not as interested -

granted, if I'd have not been as interested as I was, going there, probably nothing would've happened at all

if I was just a mate.. - seperate beds would have been actually functional, instead of being a pain..

Them

she's never been just a mate to you though

Me

.. never

never ever

8 years dude

I've done my best to get over it all, and she keeps coming back

Me

all the other stuff since - ..

like her talking to her mates and family about me..

getting her mates to add me on facebook, her friends talking to me

it's so encouraging..

Me

ugh

don't know whether it's the stresses, or the antibiotics making me feel sick

Them

pretty sure its a heady combination of the two

Me

.. right

She even wrote to the creative director of a games company for me,

to see if there were any spaces

Them

but she doesn't want you to move there for her?

Me

.. - it was a "friend-help-friend" deal..

her words

even tho I've never hidden the motive

I got a positive response from a company there, yesterday

I texted her, and she replied with.. " :):) that's great! "

Them

hmm

Me

I called right away, to see how she felt about it.. - making it plain that would only be going there for her

Them

and?

Me

.. she talked about asking herself whether she wants a relationship right now..

being happy only having to worry about herself

Them

oh dear

Me

she'll probably call later tonight, when she gets in from rehearsals..

I'll probably miss the call

Me

miss it, not by design.. just because GMT has put me an hour further away

Them

sorry dude, i've got to go...worky things. chin up xx

Them

...so...you wanna read a scary horoscope?

Them

PISCES - Setbacks on the job might have you a little depressed and somewhat worried. Don't worry, dear Pisces; all will be well. Think of this as a challenge to be overcome. Your natural practicality and efficiency will see you through it. Someone is not being totally honest with you. Encourage people around you to open up and communicate a little. What they say may not be all that agreeable, but at least you'll be better able to assess the situation.

Me

...

you wanna see another one?

Pisces, today, you are easily persuaded by those closest to you and are unable to follow through on any one idea. But you also have a long-term plan -- possibly involving major traveling -- and you are unwilling to negotiate your unorthodox ideas. Try to create a life that draws equally from the present moment and the future.

Them

hehe

another...

Setbacks on the job might have you a little depressed and somewhat worried. Don't worry, dear Pisces; all will be well. Think of this as a challenge to be overcome. Your natural practicality and efficiency will see you through it. Someone is not being totally honest with you. Encourage people around you to open up and communicate a little. What they say may not be all that agreeable, but at least you'll be better able to assess the situation.

Me

.. that's the same one

Them

hang on...i sent you that already

d#oh

Pay attention to signs and symbols; a divine message is coming your way. It may be in regard to a job, relationship, or creative project. Whatever your question, it will be answered in a strange, uncanny way. Vivid dreams will provide clues as to what your next move should be. Help from a religious institution or government agency can be forthcoming. Having this support will help you to fully focus on the work at hand, instead of worrying about making a living.

Me

y'see that just makes me as questions

.. at the same time as covering nearly all the bases

:P:P

Them

and yours for this week...

It feels as though you're being held hostage by your emotions. If you want to change your behaviour get to work now. Writing down what you feel will help you to calm down and assess your emotional triggers. It will also reveal any trends that need changing. Your relationship with a youngster or lover will improve as a result. Trust your instincts when it comes to your spiritual needs. Spending more time on your own will help you develop a stronger sense of self.
15:12Me

I have a blogspace, that I use as a thought-dump

haven't written anything into it lately, because I've felt ok

.. it's probably right, if writing down all my thoughts gets things off my mind

.. I'd share my blog with you, but you'd probably think less of me for having read it

lol

Them

in the internet?

on

you write your thoughts on the internet?

Me

.. I do -

but it's absolutely anonymous

no followers..

it's just my own space

Them

that'd make me nervous!!!

Me

m'eh

it can't really be traced back

and who am i anyway..

Them

i write things on paper, leave them for a while, then burn them

:):)

Me

.. having the record is good

I have emails going back years

2003 and further

.. not that I obsess..

it's good to reminisce occasionally

Them

oh my word...delete them all - you'll feel so much better

Me

.. .. m'eh,

my experience with pain, is about living with it, rather than trying to bury it

I look back at painful times, having recovered from them, and think of the benefits

.. being in San Fransisco while being utterly lost in depression

it's a weird feeling now - having improved..

I couldn't throw those memories away

Them

and thats great, but once you've lived through the painful times and have grown enough to be able to see the good, you should purge...you're holding onto baggage, and it weighs you down dude!

and another thing

An old love letter (maybe even an old email) is going to come to mind on Monday, and it's going to start you pining for a romance that ended quite a while ago. Weird how the past continues to live on in the present, isn't it? And isn't it funny to think about all of the things you used to be so sure of? It certainly makes any certainty you have in anything right now a lot less solid. That's ultimately for the better, especially when midweek arrives. The world is a shifting, sliding place, and the ride can be fun if you keep your expectations loose. Music and poetry figure strongly into your weekend, as do creativity and love.

Me

jesus

is that for this week?

Them

yes

Me

How does one keep one's expectations loose?

i could go for that

Them

drink lots

Me

don't likey drinky lots

sorry - got a text from 'scilla

Them

and for this month...

You want to do the right thing, at work, at home and walking down the street. This is particularly true on the 1st. So don't hesitate: Act. The right way, of course. You might end up making a really big difference in somebody's life! It's unrealistic to expect that you can change things without allowing yourself to dream, just a little, about the future. So, on the 5th and 6th, go ahead and let your imagination roam! You'll discover all kinds of interesting things about what might be possible one day. Your dreams come true quicker than you dreamt on the 7th and 8th. Make the most of this extra-special time.

The 12th is all about romance. And you are all about that! Nothing makes you happier. You are in a pickle on the 17th: Do you skip your workout, or postpone your work? Here's a hint: It's almost never a good idea to skip your workout. On the 23rd, you need to reckon with a financial situation. What's on your mind? What's on that balance sheet? You are right on the 27th and 28th. But don't be self-righteous. Help out your friends on the 30th and you'll be building something important.

you do know you just sent me a message relaying our entire conversation?

Me

yes

because facebook chat is teh pants, and I wanted to save it

Me

on the 30th there's a company briefing..

i'll see lots of Sony friends, hopefully

will probably fuck off the presentations and go to the pumphouse

.. is it nan's anniversary today?

Them

tomorrow

do'nt you just love it when horoscopes are spot on!!!?

Them

gone again x

Them is offline.