SO, Today wasn't a great day

I think I've pushed it a little far,

during a conversation this morning with her, I asked if I could be her boyfriend, when i meet her people.. This kinda made her jittery and a little unsure - well.. probably very unsure, but she's polite like that.

I'm thinking back to my relationship with Girl 1 - she was into me after 4 days.. and I couldn't have done anything to piss her off -
this new girl, is WAY more independant, and a lot more experienced with relationships.. moreso than me - not a hard task. I'm hearing the words that the new girl says, and they read as tho they can't be mis-interpreted as platonic.. and I get giddy and excited that she's into me, too..
but whe the reality of the situation hits, it hits really hard, and it wipes me out.. like it did today.

I'm investing way too much into it already, and I can't seem to help it -
Tomorrow will be an interesting challenge - i have to reduce my dose, significantly

Not check my emails or websites before leaving for work,
and once I'm in work, try to not check them as often - try to leave my phone in my pocket..


I had a little self-test earlier tonight actually

she'd wanted to talk with me - a casual talk, I hope.. this evening.. what would have been very late - midnight+, her time.. We have a thing where she calls and lets my phone ring a couple of times, then hangs up - so I can call her cheaply, and we can talk in a relaxed way..

I couldn't get through after a few minutes of trying.. so i sent a short text, saying there was no panic - and just said sweet dreams or something..

indeed my phone's behind me, and I've not checked it since I've been at the computer - that's a good 35 minutes.. and that's not bad for today.


Work truly sucks right now - it's an unpleasant place to be - I've not grimaced in the morning since I was at school.. There have been times when I'd rather not go to work, but that wasn't because of the work itself.. more because of how I was.. (see the post about HOCD)..

Ugh.. - I'm so sleepy today,
and I'm crisply awake, early in the mornings to see if she's texted overnight.
it'll be challenging to stay asleep until my alarm wakes me..
hopefully that'll be how it goes.


Today was not a good day.


because I'm in love.



go figure.


12.

a holiday 8 years in the making.. ?

So - a month has passed,

and what a month - a total emotional rollercoaster.


firstly - the week-long lead up to the flight..


I did a very silly thing on the monday - I looked at my ex's twitter feed..
she tweets most days, and seemingly only about me.. again, only in english..
she thinks about me all the time, reminiscing about old memories, activities we shared..
I still think of her.. and at times it almost feels like I should have stayed with her, rather than risk the difference of this other girl..

and this other girl is different, my god.


the first meeting was.. pretty much just as I'd imagined - it was glorious,
I'd landed, found my bags, then found a gents toilet in which to perform my emergency cleanse.
I put a nice shirt on, and applied generous amounts of body spray, to mask the flight's insidious grime-layer.. I walked into the arrivals lobby, and after a brief, nontulante scan of those waiting, I spotted that face.

a face I'd come to love intensely 6 years hence.

I had to walk the long way round to where she was.. but I held her, lifted her up..
I don't remember my first words - having rehearsed many options on the 7-hour, 2nd flight...
I just remember how well she hugged me - confident, closely.. but.. at the same time, cautiously, platonically.. which was fine..

I wasn't instantly in love - but that didn't bother me in that moment
I was so deleriously happy to finally be in her company..

we bought some water, then got a taxi to our hotel for the 3 nights, in city 1...
we talked in the cab, talked easily.. but again, cautiously.. each in our own way, testing the other, I think.. confirming that it was indeed the person and personality we'd each projected across the wires...

I understood how beautiful she was straight away though,
I'd loved that face, and that voice - and all of a sudden, they had a moving, warm, breathing (lovely) body holding them up: dressed casually in i think jeans, a Tshirt, and running shoes..

I'm getting carried away with the details - trying to remember them to 12-5-9..
I've noted alot of the holiday down in a pad..

it's happy memories, totally - very few bits of negativity..


The negativity is hitting me hard, now..

I'm pretty sure I love her, pretty comprehensively..
obsessing about being in touch with her, checking my phone obsessively, and compulsively..
checking facebook, and twitter.. dozens of times every hour..

after 2 weeks without her physical presence, I'm getting bad withdrawal..
she can satisfy me with a simple text.. the pick was a spontaneous one, last week -

"God I miss you... XxxxxxxxX"

reduced me to tears, because I miss her so badly, it's hurting me.

I'm in touch with a good few of her friends now, and I can tell them, pretty much how I feel about her - I miss her, and I'm not afraid to tell them.
I'm somewhat afraid to tell her.. I don't want to appear clingy, or needy..
I absolutely don't want to scare her.


but I'm considering moving to her country to be with her..

she's warned me that she's worried that I'll be hurt: that she'll fall for someone else..
she told me that 'there'll be other girls'.. that was pretty much right after we'd slept together for the first time,

fortunately we seemed to bond and click in ways I couldn't have dreamed for, in the days that followed.. she seems to welcome the idea of me returning..

she tells me she misses me..

I can't help suspecting someting though - that's what gets me down..
that's what gives me discontent when I don't hear from her..
she's far more 'active' than i'd considered before.. but I think I grew up a lot, during the week with her..


I just want her.. like I never thought possible..

I'd written in another blog, that January would feel like it was right round the corner when I returned - well it feels decades away..

I want to go back in december-time..
.. I know life rarely gives a shit about plans.. but I'm hoping I can fiddle an interview with a company there, for a visit in december.. and hopefully gauge what my chances are..


then there's work.

Our workplace merged with another, about 2 years ago -
the aquired place, traditionally paid their people higher wages, and parity was promised - but has never been delivered. Colleagues from the other place are still paid higher, and no efforts are being made to officially eliminate the disparity. People are leaving partly because of this.

They're also leaving because the working conditions, workloads, management styles are fundamentally flawed.. and I believe people are suffering.


Evidence of that occurred yesterday: a good friend, great colleague, and enthusiast for the nature of our work.. he had a big heart attack, while driving home from work. he's had emergency surgery, and is critical, but stable..

it's knocked me harder than I could have prepared myself for - as i wasn't prepared, I'm pretty devastated..

I also found out that another friend, a closer friend, had his wife leave him last weekend..
they have kids.. 2 are his, the 3rd is hers from another marriage.. but they'll stay with her..



and I still miss the new girl.
without wanting to invite a test of my emotional stamina, there are fewer things I treasure that I'd miss more - my car maybe, but that has significant practicality, bordering on necessity..



y'know what.. -
I twittered with her, this morning - the highlight of the day without question..

but

Fuck today - today was not a good day..





12.