So..
I've been hurting for 2 weeks,
I've not been woken by my alarm in those 2 weeks - i've been woken by intense fear and panic, on average, 2 hours before it goes off - I usually sleep through it at 6:30..
I've had a need to either check twitter and myspace from my phone, when i wake in the small hours, or check the web on my laptop, as soon as i wake up at 4 or 5..
Several things have been happening - I think I kicked it off, assuming that it would be acceptable for the new girl to present me as a boyfriend to her family, should I return to her in December..
This was not met with enthusiasm - she said that it would be way too soon - and I bowed to her view - left it totally up to her - which was alright.. but I think it's got her worried from that point.
ever since then, I guess.. there have been dramas after dramas..
a close friend of theirs was involved in a disgusting crime, involving a woman, her boyfriend and her 2 yr old daughter. I'll keep it light on details, but the child died at their hands, and they tried to incriminate a non-existant 3rd party.. they're both off, scott free.. I was concerned that this had hurt her family, so i was worried for her.
During hearing about this.. I called her from my cellphone - the line was shit, so i told her I'd call right back, from a landline.
in the 2 seconds between her opening the line, and starting to talk to me, i thought i heard her talking about how semen tastes...
granted, she and I had been quite adventurous in bed - and there was plenty of room for her to be recounting our experiences, but still.. - to hear it from someone you love, without context is .. y'know.. weird.. I shook it off..
I'm thinking I'd forgive her pretty much anything..
Like, before I flew to her - calling what I thought was her number, to hear what sounded like a porn film on the other end.. lots of sex-noises..
I called back right away, to find her calm, barely awake on the other end. I shook it off..
shaking off her inconsistent behaviour is making me so tired..
I text, and get no replies. She says she's busy, and I fully believe that she could be really *that* busy, but then i discover her twittering during the day - No time to text me back (she texts SO fast.. ), yet time to post photos?
I'm feeling so Used, so taken-advantage-of..
the absolute last thing I wanted to be, was a quick shag, and a week in 4-star hotels for free..
Having known her for almost 10 years, it was the absolute last thing i expected, but the more we get away from the holiday bliss, and more into the reality of how we both seem to be handling things now, the less I'm thinking of the good things - I'm mourning them.
and feeling properly fucking betrayed.
Every Logical fibre of my being, tells me that I've been used, comprehensively -
and I'm almost more terrified of there being a fully plausible, miraculous all-covering reason for this borderline-abusive behaviour..
This week, she was abused physically by a family member..
Who does she contact?
me.
cries down the phone to me for 45 minutes..
was it an act? to tell me that she's been insulted on the basis that she sleeps with men, not of her race? and that I would "be killed" if I was in a position to go round to take her away from that place..
does she know what she's saying?
does she have any idea? - could she really be *that* naiive?
it seems I don't know her well enough, nearly.
when I thought I did.
that's something she's been saying, and I've been defending, because I want a future with her so much..
what is on my mind, is January - she's had a flight booked to come to my country in january....
I thought that going before this, we could establish an 'agenda'.. and I could find out by visiting her, how January could be, for me/us..
how I proceed over the coming days and weeks, will probably define 'january'
She'll be in the country probably , for 8 days -
the original plan, was to split it between her friends in another city, and me, here..
I hate to think that she'll be in this country, in this city, at the same time as me, and i'll be going through hell, not being able to see her..
My parents already really don't like her -
I'm so disappointed and upset, I can't put into words how sick i feel right now..
I didn't eat today -
I barely ate yesterday.. Hopefully weightloss can be measurable, soon..
I've been saying today, that I'll probably get a sign from her, either a call or a text, JUST as i'm starting to feel that there's no hope.. and she Yanks me back in..
how much of this REALLY is her?
how much of this REALLY is me? -
my imagination gets me into REAL trouble..
I'm so tired, and upset, and sick, and tired..
I have to be tough.
12
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Bizarrely accurate horoscopes...
Me
and she's WAY more grown up about the prospect
way more sensible
she wouldn't let me move
if it was just for her
... she becomes exactly the woman I want
she's sensible, and rational.. and beautiful, and comfortable around me..
and I can't tell her anything about how I feel, because it makes her nervous, and makes me look clingy and needy
and I can't be close to her
so I'm going out of my mind, thinking I came so close, and am missing my one chance..
.. I've made her so important in my mind..
ugh
I hate it.
:(:(
all the time when i was with Girl 1 - I wanted to feel something sure..
and now I do and it's punishing me every minute
Them
oh my god... she's NOT your 'one chance'...
she really isn't
Me
.. I know that logically.. - i do
it's just how it feels in the moment
and it's dominating my thoughts
even she told me there's be other girls..
lol
she hated that I was over there just for her..
she's absolutely fine without me, and it depresses me so badly.
Me
it puts Girl 1 into a whole new light, y'know..
i cn read her twitter feed with no problem
Them
everything you've just said, if it was happening to me, alarm bells would be ringing. and i'm pretty sure if it was happening to me, you'd be thinking the same thing i'm thinking now... all the things D has said that have made you think of her as 'sensible' and 'mature', to me just sound like she's not as interested as you are and she's backing off.
thats how it looks to me anyway, i don't know what you two had over there though
Me
.. I know she's not as interested -
granted, if I'd have not been as interested as I was, going there, probably nothing would've happened at all
if I was just a mate.. - seperate beds would have been actually functional, instead of being a pain..
Them
she's never been just a mate to you though
Me
.. never
never ever
8 years dude
I've done my best to get over it all, and she keeps coming back
Me
all the other stuff since - ..
like her talking to her mates and family about me..
getting her mates to add me on facebook, her friends talking to me
it's so encouraging..
Me
ugh
don't know whether it's the stresses, or the antibiotics making me feel sick
Them
pretty sure its a heady combination of the two
Me
.. right
She even wrote to the creative director of a games company for me,
to see if there were any spaces
Them
but she doesn't want you to move there for her?
Me
.. - it was a "friend-help-friend" deal..
her words
even tho I've never hidden the motive
I got a positive response from a company there, yesterday
I texted her, and she replied with.. " :):) that's great! "
Them
hmm
Me
I called right away, to see how she felt about it.. - making it plain that would only be going there for her
Them
and?
Me
.. she talked about asking herself whether she wants a relationship right now..
being happy only having to worry about herself
Them
oh dear
Me
she'll probably call later tonight, when she gets in from rehearsals..
I'll probably miss the call
Me
miss it, not by design.. just because GMT has put me an hour further away
Them
sorry dude, i've got to go...worky things. chin up xx
Them
...so...you wanna read a scary horoscope?
Them
PISCES - Setbacks on the job might have you a little depressed and somewhat worried. Don't worry, dear Pisces; all will be well. Think of this as a challenge to be overcome. Your natural practicality and efficiency will see you through it. Someone is not being totally honest with you. Encourage people around you to open up and communicate a little. What they say may not be all that agreeable, but at least you'll be better able to assess the situation.
Me
...
you wanna see another one?
Pisces, today, you are easily persuaded by those closest to you and are unable to follow through on any one idea. But you also have a long-term plan -- possibly involving major traveling -- and you are unwilling to negotiate your unorthodox ideas. Try to create a life that draws equally from the present moment and the future.
Them
hehe
another...
Setbacks on the job might have you a little depressed and somewhat worried. Don't worry, dear Pisces; all will be well. Think of this as a challenge to be overcome. Your natural practicality and efficiency will see you through it. Someone is not being totally honest with you. Encourage people around you to open up and communicate a little. What they say may not be all that agreeable, but at least you'll be better able to assess the situation.
Me
.. that's the same one
Them
hang on...i sent you that already
d#oh
Pay attention to signs and symbols; a divine message is coming your way. It may be in regard to a job, relationship, or creative project. Whatever your question, it will be answered in a strange, uncanny way. Vivid dreams will provide clues as to what your next move should be. Help from a religious institution or government agency can be forthcoming. Having this support will help you to fully focus on the work at hand, instead of worrying about making a living.
Me
y'see that just makes me as questions
.. at the same time as covering nearly all the bases
:P:P
Them
and yours for this week...
It feels as though you're being held hostage by your emotions. If you want to change your behaviour get to work now. Writing down what you feel will help you to calm down and assess your emotional triggers. It will also reveal any trends that need changing. Your relationship with a youngster or lover will improve as a result. Trust your instincts when it comes to your spiritual needs. Spending more time on your own will help you develop a stronger sense of self.
15:12Me
I have a blogspace, that I use as a thought-dump
haven't written anything into it lately, because I've felt ok
.. it's probably right, if writing down all my thoughts gets things off my mind
.. I'd share my blog with you, but you'd probably think less of me for having read it
lol
Them
in the internet?
on
you write your thoughts on the internet?
Me
.. I do -
but it's absolutely anonymous
no followers..
it's just my own space
Them
that'd make me nervous!!!
Me
m'eh
it can't really be traced back
and who am i anyway..
Them
i write things on paper, leave them for a while, then burn them
:):)
Me
.. having the record is good
I have emails going back years
2003 and further
.. not that I obsess..
it's good to reminisce occasionally
Them
oh my word...delete them all - you'll feel so much better
Me
.. .. m'eh,
my experience with pain, is about living with it, rather than trying to bury it
I look back at painful times, having recovered from them, and think of the benefits
.. being in San Fransisco while being utterly lost in depression
it's a weird feeling now - having improved..
I couldn't throw those memories away
Them
and thats great, but once you've lived through the painful times and have grown enough to be able to see the good, you should purge...you're holding onto baggage, and it weighs you down dude!
and another thing
An old love letter (maybe even an old email) is going to come to mind on Monday, and it's going to start you pining for a romance that ended quite a while ago. Weird how the past continues to live on in the present, isn't it? And isn't it funny to think about all of the things you used to be so sure of? It certainly makes any certainty you have in anything right now a lot less solid. That's ultimately for the better, especially when midweek arrives. The world is a shifting, sliding place, and the ride can be fun if you keep your expectations loose. Music and poetry figure strongly into your weekend, as do creativity and love.
Me
jesus
is that for this week?
Them
yes
Me
How does one keep one's expectations loose?
i could go for that
Them
drink lots
Me
don't likey drinky lots
sorry - got a text from 'scilla
Them
and for this month...
You want to do the right thing, at work, at home and walking down the street. This is particularly true on the 1st. So don't hesitate: Act. The right way, of course. You might end up making a really big difference in somebody's life! It's unrealistic to expect that you can change things without allowing yourself to dream, just a little, about the future. So, on the 5th and 6th, go ahead and let your imagination roam! You'll discover all kinds of interesting things about what might be possible one day. Your dreams come true quicker than you dreamt on the 7th and 8th. Make the most of this extra-special time.
The 12th is all about romance. And you are all about that! Nothing makes you happier. You are in a pickle on the 17th: Do you skip your workout, or postpone your work? Here's a hint: It's almost never a good idea to skip your workout. On the 23rd, you need to reckon with a financial situation. What's on your mind? What's on that balance sheet? You are right on the 27th and 28th. But don't be self-righteous. Help out your friends on the 30th and you'll be building something important.
you do know you just sent me a message relaying our entire conversation?
Me
yes
because facebook chat is teh pants, and I wanted to save it
Me
on the 30th there's a company briefing..
i'll see lots of Sony friends, hopefully
will probably fuck off the presentations and go to the pumphouse
.. is it nan's anniversary today?
Them
tomorrow
do'nt you just love it when horoscopes are spot on!!!?
Them
gone again x
Them is offline.
and she's WAY more grown up about the prospect
way more sensible
she wouldn't let me move
if it was just for her
... she becomes exactly the woman I want
she's sensible, and rational.. and beautiful, and comfortable around me..
and I can't tell her anything about how I feel, because it makes her nervous, and makes me look clingy and needy
and I can't be close to her
so I'm going out of my mind, thinking I came so close, and am missing my one chance..
.. I've made her so important in my mind..
ugh
I hate it.
:(:(
all the time when i was with Girl 1 - I wanted to feel something sure..
and now I do and it's punishing me every minute
Them
oh my god... she's NOT your 'one chance'...
she really isn't
Me
.. I know that logically.. - i do
it's just how it feels in the moment
and it's dominating my thoughts
even she told me there's be other girls..
lol
she hated that I was over there just for her..
she's absolutely fine without me, and it depresses me so badly.
Me
it puts Girl 1 into a whole new light, y'know..
i cn read her twitter feed with no problem
Them
everything you've just said, if it was happening to me, alarm bells would be ringing. and i'm pretty sure if it was happening to me, you'd be thinking the same thing i'm thinking now... all the things D has said that have made you think of her as 'sensible' and 'mature', to me just sound like she's not as interested as you are and she's backing off.
thats how it looks to me anyway, i don't know what you two had over there though
Me
.. I know she's not as interested -
granted, if I'd have not been as interested as I was, going there, probably nothing would've happened at all
if I was just a mate.. - seperate beds would have been actually functional, instead of being a pain..
Them
she's never been just a mate to you though
Me
.. never
never ever
8 years dude
I've done my best to get over it all, and she keeps coming back
Me
all the other stuff since - ..
like her talking to her mates and family about me..
getting her mates to add me on facebook, her friends talking to me
it's so encouraging..
Me
ugh
don't know whether it's the stresses, or the antibiotics making me feel sick
Them
pretty sure its a heady combination of the two
Me
.. right
She even wrote to the creative director of a games company for me,
to see if there were any spaces
Them
but she doesn't want you to move there for her?
Me
.. - it was a "friend-help-friend" deal..
her words
even tho I've never hidden the motive
I got a positive response from a company there, yesterday
I texted her, and she replied with.. " :):) that's great! "
Them
hmm
Me
I called right away, to see how she felt about it.. - making it plain that would only be going there for her
Them
and?
Me
.. she talked about asking herself whether she wants a relationship right now..
being happy only having to worry about herself
Them
oh dear
Me
she'll probably call later tonight, when she gets in from rehearsals..
I'll probably miss the call
Me
miss it, not by design.. just because GMT has put me an hour further away
Them
sorry dude, i've got to go...worky things. chin up xx
Them
...so...you wanna read a scary horoscope?
Them
PISCES - Setbacks on the job might have you a little depressed and somewhat worried. Don't worry, dear Pisces; all will be well. Think of this as a challenge to be overcome. Your natural practicality and efficiency will see you through it. Someone is not being totally honest with you. Encourage people around you to open up and communicate a little. What they say may not be all that agreeable, but at least you'll be better able to assess the situation.
Me
...
you wanna see another one?
Pisces, today, you are easily persuaded by those closest to you and are unable to follow through on any one idea. But you also have a long-term plan -- possibly involving major traveling -- and you are unwilling to negotiate your unorthodox ideas. Try to create a life that draws equally from the present moment and the future.
Them
hehe
another...
Setbacks on the job might have you a little depressed and somewhat worried. Don't worry, dear Pisces; all will be well. Think of this as a challenge to be overcome. Your natural practicality and efficiency will see you through it. Someone is not being totally honest with you. Encourage people around you to open up and communicate a little. What they say may not be all that agreeable, but at least you'll be better able to assess the situation.
Me
.. that's the same one
Them
hang on...i sent you that already
d#oh
Pay attention to signs and symbols; a divine message is coming your way. It may be in regard to a job, relationship, or creative project. Whatever your question, it will be answered in a strange, uncanny way. Vivid dreams will provide clues as to what your next move should be. Help from a religious institution or government agency can be forthcoming. Having this support will help you to fully focus on the work at hand, instead of worrying about making a living.
Me
y'see that just makes me as questions
.. at the same time as covering nearly all the bases
:P:P
Them
and yours for this week...
It feels as though you're being held hostage by your emotions. If you want to change your behaviour get to work now. Writing down what you feel will help you to calm down and assess your emotional triggers. It will also reveal any trends that need changing. Your relationship with a youngster or lover will improve as a result. Trust your instincts when it comes to your spiritual needs. Spending more time on your own will help you develop a stronger sense of self.
15:12Me
I have a blogspace, that I use as a thought-dump
haven't written anything into it lately, because I've felt ok
.. it's probably right, if writing down all my thoughts gets things off my mind
.. I'd share my blog with you, but you'd probably think less of me for having read it
lol
Them
in the internet?
on
you write your thoughts on the internet?
Me
.. I do -
but it's absolutely anonymous
no followers..
it's just my own space
Them
that'd make me nervous!!!
Me
m'eh
it can't really be traced back
and who am i anyway..
Them
i write things on paper, leave them for a while, then burn them
:):)
Me
.. having the record is good
I have emails going back years
2003 and further
.. not that I obsess..
it's good to reminisce occasionally
Them
oh my word...delete them all - you'll feel so much better
Me
.. .. m'eh,
my experience with pain, is about living with it, rather than trying to bury it
I look back at painful times, having recovered from them, and think of the benefits
.. being in San Fransisco while being utterly lost in depression
it's a weird feeling now - having improved..
I couldn't throw those memories away
Them
and thats great, but once you've lived through the painful times and have grown enough to be able to see the good, you should purge...you're holding onto baggage, and it weighs you down dude!
and another thing
An old love letter (maybe even an old email) is going to come to mind on Monday, and it's going to start you pining for a romance that ended quite a while ago. Weird how the past continues to live on in the present, isn't it? And isn't it funny to think about all of the things you used to be so sure of? It certainly makes any certainty you have in anything right now a lot less solid. That's ultimately for the better, especially when midweek arrives. The world is a shifting, sliding place, and the ride can be fun if you keep your expectations loose. Music and poetry figure strongly into your weekend, as do creativity and love.
Me
jesus
is that for this week?
Them
yes
Me
How does one keep one's expectations loose?
i could go for that
Them
drink lots
Me
don't likey drinky lots
sorry - got a text from 'scilla
Them
and for this month...
You want to do the right thing, at work, at home and walking down the street. This is particularly true on the 1st. So don't hesitate: Act. The right way, of course. You might end up making a really big difference in somebody's life! It's unrealistic to expect that you can change things without allowing yourself to dream, just a little, about the future. So, on the 5th and 6th, go ahead and let your imagination roam! You'll discover all kinds of interesting things about what might be possible one day. Your dreams come true quicker than you dreamt on the 7th and 8th. Make the most of this extra-special time.
The 12th is all about romance. And you are all about that! Nothing makes you happier. You are in a pickle on the 17th: Do you skip your workout, or postpone your work? Here's a hint: It's almost never a good idea to skip your workout. On the 23rd, you need to reckon with a financial situation. What's on your mind? What's on that balance sheet? You are right on the 27th and 28th. But don't be self-righteous. Help out your friends on the 30th and you'll be building something important.
you do know you just sent me a message relaying our entire conversation?
Me
yes
because facebook chat is teh pants, and I wanted to save it
Me
on the 30th there's a company briefing..
i'll see lots of Sony friends, hopefully
will probably fuck off the presentations and go to the pumphouse
.. is it nan's anniversary today?
Them
tomorrow
do'nt you just love it when horoscopes are spot on!!!?
Them
gone again x
Them is offline.
Monday, 26 October 2009
SO, Today wasn't a great day
I think I've pushed it a little far,
during a conversation this morning with her, I asked if I could be her boyfriend, when i meet her people.. This kinda made her jittery and a little unsure - well.. probably very unsure, but she's polite like that.
I'm thinking back to my relationship with Girl 1 - she was into me after 4 days.. and I couldn't have done anything to piss her off -
this new girl, is WAY more independant, and a lot more experienced with relationships.. moreso than me - not a hard task. I'm hearing the words that the new girl says, and they read as tho they can't be mis-interpreted as platonic.. and I get giddy and excited that she's into me, too..
but whe the reality of the situation hits, it hits really hard, and it wipes me out.. like it did today.
I'm investing way too much into it already, and I can't seem to help it -
Tomorrow will be an interesting challenge - i have to reduce my dose, significantly
Not check my emails or websites before leaving for work,
and once I'm in work, try to not check them as often - try to leave my phone in my pocket..
I had a little self-test earlier tonight actually
she'd wanted to talk with me - a casual talk, I hope.. this evening.. what would have been very late - midnight+, her time.. We have a thing where she calls and lets my phone ring a couple of times, then hangs up - so I can call her cheaply, and we can talk in a relaxed way..
I couldn't get through after a few minutes of trying.. so i sent a short text, saying there was no panic - and just said sweet dreams or something..
indeed my phone's behind me, and I've not checked it since I've been at the computer - that's a good 35 minutes.. and that's not bad for today.
Work truly sucks right now - it's an unpleasant place to be - I've not grimaced in the morning since I was at school.. There have been times when I'd rather not go to work, but that wasn't because of the work itself.. more because of how I was.. (see the post about HOCD)..
Ugh.. - I'm so sleepy today,
and I'm crisply awake, early in the mornings to see if she's texted overnight.
it'll be challenging to stay asleep until my alarm wakes me..
hopefully that'll be how it goes.
Today was not a good day.
because I'm in love.
go figure.
12.
during a conversation this morning with her, I asked if I could be her boyfriend, when i meet her people.. This kinda made her jittery and a little unsure - well.. probably very unsure, but she's polite like that.
I'm thinking back to my relationship with Girl 1 - she was into me after 4 days.. and I couldn't have done anything to piss her off -
this new girl, is WAY more independant, and a lot more experienced with relationships.. moreso than me - not a hard task. I'm hearing the words that the new girl says, and they read as tho they can't be mis-interpreted as platonic.. and I get giddy and excited that she's into me, too..
but whe the reality of the situation hits, it hits really hard, and it wipes me out.. like it did today.
I'm investing way too much into it already, and I can't seem to help it -
Tomorrow will be an interesting challenge - i have to reduce my dose, significantly
Not check my emails or websites before leaving for work,
and once I'm in work, try to not check them as often - try to leave my phone in my pocket..
I had a little self-test earlier tonight actually
she'd wanted to talk with me - a casual talk, I hope.. this evening.. what would have been very late - midnight+, her time.. We have a thing where she calls and lets my phone ring a couple of times, then hangs up - so I can call her cheaply, and we can talk in a relaxed way..
I couldn't get through after a few minutes of trying.. so i sent a short text, saying there was no panic - and just said sweet dreams or something..
indeed my phone's behind me, and I've not checked it since I've been at the computer - that's a good 35 minutes.. and that's not bad for today.
Work truly sucks right now - it's an unpleasant place to be - I've not grimaced in the morning since I was at school.. There have been times when I'd rather not go to work, but that wasn't because of the work itself.. more because of how I was.. (see the post about HOCD)..
Ugh.. - I'm so sleepy today,
and I'm crisply awake, early in the mornings to see if she's texted overnight.
it'll be challenging to stay asleep until my alarm wakes me..
hopefully that'll be how it goes.
Today was not a good day.
because I'm in love.
go figure.
12.
Friday, 23 October 2009
a holiday 8 years in the making.. ?
So - a month has passed,
and what a month - a total emotional rollercoaster.
firstly - the week-long lead up to the flight..
I did a very silly thing on the monday - I looked at my ex's twitter feed..
she tweets most days, and seemingly only about me.. again, only in english..
she thinks about me all the time, reminiscing about old memories, activities we shared..
I still think of her.. and at times it almost feels like I should have stayed with her, rather than risk the difference of this other girl..
and this other girl is different, my god.
the first meeting was.. pretty much just as I'd imagined - it was glorious,
I'd landed, found my bags, then found a gents toilet in which to perform my emergency cleanse.
I put a nice shirt on, and applied generous amounts of body spray, to mask the flight's insidious grime-layer.. I walked into the arrivals lobby, and after a brief, nontulante scan of those waiting, I spotted that face.
a face I'd come to love intensely 6 years hence.
I had to walk the long way round to where she was.. but I held her, lifted her up..
I don't remember my first words - having rehearsed many options on the 7-hour, 2nd flight...
I just remember how well she hugged me - confident, closely.. but.. at the same time, cautiously, platonically.. which was fine..
I wasn't instantly in love - but that didn't bother me in that moment
I was so deleriously happy to finally be in her company..
we bought some water, then got a taxi to our hotel for the 3 nights, in city 1...
we talked in the cab, talked easily.. but again, cautiously.. each in our own way, testing the other, I think.. confirming that it was indeed the person and personality we'd each projected across the wires...
I understood how beautiful she was straight away though,
I'd loved that face, and that voice - and all of a sudden, they had a moving, warm, breathing (lovely) body holding them up: dressed casually in i think jeans, a Tshirt, and running shoes..
I'm getting carried away with the details - trying to remember them to 12-5-9..
I've noted alot of the holiday down in a pad..
it's happy memories, totally - very few bits of negativity..
The negativity is hitting me hard, now..
I'm pretty sure I love her, pretty comprehensively..
obsessing about being in touch with her, checking my phone obsessively, and compulsively..
checking facebook, and twitter.. dozens of times every hour..
after 2 weeks without her physical presence, I'm getting bad withdrawal..
she can satisfy me with a simple text.. the pick was a spontaneous one, last week -
"God I miss you... XxxxxxxxX"
reduced me to tears, because I miss her so badly, it's hurting me.
I'm in touch with a good few of her friends now, and I can tell them, pretty much how I feel about her - I miss her, and I'm not afraid to tell them.
I'm somewhat afraid to tell her.. I don't want to appear clingy, or needy..
I absolutely don't want to scare her.
but I'm considering moving to her country to be with her..
she's warned me that she's worried that I'll be hurt: that she'll fall for someone else..
she told me that 'there'll be other girls'.. that was pretty much right after we'd slept together for the first time,
fortunately we seemed to bond and click in ways I couldn't have dreamed for, in the days that followed.. she seems to welcome the idea of me returning..
she tells me she misses me..
I can't help suspecting someting though - that's what gets me down..
that's what gives me discontent when I don't hear from her..
she's far more 'active' than i'd considered before.. but I think I grew up a lot, during the week with her..
I just want her.. like I never thought possible..
I'd written in another blog, that January would feel like it was right round the corner when I returned - well it feels decades away..
I want to go back in december-time..
.. I know life rarely gives a shit about plans.. but I'm hoping I can fiddle an interview with a company there, for a visit in december.. and hopefully gauge what my chances are..
then there's work.
Our workplace merged with another, about 2 years ago -
the aquired place, traditionally paid their people higher wages, and parity was promised - but has never been delivered. Colleagues from the other place are still paid higher, and no efforts are being made to officially eliminate the disparity. People are leaving partly because of this.
They're also leaving because the working conditions, workloads, management styles are fundamentally flawed.. and I believe people are suffering.
Evidence of that occurred yesterday: a good friend, great colleague, and enthusiast for the nature of our work.. he had a big heart attack, while driving home from work. he's had emergency surgery, and is critical, but stable..
it's knocked me harder than I could have prepared myself for - as i wasn't prepared, I'm pretty devastated..
I also found out that another friend, a closer friend, had his wife leave him last weekend..
they have kids.. 2 are his, the 3rd is hers from another marriage.. but they'll stay with her..
and I still miss the new girl.
without wanting to invite a test of my emotional stamina, there are fewer things I treasure that I'd miss more - my car maybe, but that has significant practicality, bordering on necessity..
y'know what.. -
I twittered with her, this morning - the highlight of the day without question..
but
Fuck today - today was not a good day..
12.
and what a month - a total emotional rollercoaster.
firstly - the week-long lead up to the flight..
I did a very silly thing on the monday - I looked at my ex's twitter feed..
she tweets most days, and seemingly only about me.. again, only in english..
she thinks about me all the time, reminiscing about old memories, activities we shared..
I still think of her.. and at times it almost feels like I should have stayed with her, rather than risk the difference of this other girl..
and this other girl is different, my god.
the first meeting was.. pretty much just as I'd imagined - it was glorious,
I'd landed, found my bags, then found a gents toilet in which to perform my emergency cleanse.
I put a nice shirt on, and applied generous amounts of body spray, to mask the flight's insidious grime-layer.. I walked into the arrivals lobby, and after a brief, nontulante scan of those waiting, I spotted that face.
a face I'd come to love intensely 6 years hence.
I had to walk the long way round to where she was.. but I held her, lifted her up..
I don't remember my first words - having rehearsed many options on the 7-hour, 2nd flight...
I just remember how well she hugged me - confident, closely.. but.. at the same time, cautiously, platonically.. which was fine..
I wasn't instantly in love - but that didn't bother me in that moment
I was so deleriously happy to finally be in her company..
we bought some water, then got a taxi to our hotel for the 3 nights, in city 1...
we talked in the cab, talked easily.. but again, cautiously.. each in our own way, testing the other, I think.. confirming that it was indeed the person and personality we'd each projected across the wires...
I understood how beautiful she was straight away though,
I'd loved that face, and that voice - and all of a sudden, they had a moving, warm, breathing (lovely) body holding them up: dressed casually in i think jeans, a Tshirt, and running shoes..
I'm getting carried away with the details - trying to remember them to 12-5-9..
I've noted alot of the holiday down in a pad..
it's happy memories, totally - very few bits of negativity..
The negativity is hitting me hard, now..
I'm pretty sure I love her, pretty comprehensively..
obsessing about being in touch with her, checking my phone obsessively, and compulsively..
checking facebook, and twitter.. dozens of times every hour..
after 2 weeks without her physical presence, I'm getting bad withdrawal..
she can satisfy me with a simple text.. the pick was a spontaneous one, last week -
"God I miss you... XxxxxxxxX"
reduced me to tears, because I miss her so badly, it's hurting me.
I'm in touch with a good few of her friends now, and I can tell them, pretty much how I feel about her - I miss her, and I'm not afraid to tell them.
I'm somewhat afraid to tell her.. I don't want to appear clingy, or needy..
I absolutely don't want to scare her.
but I'm considering moving to her country to be with her..
she's warned me that she's worried that I'll be hurt: that she'll fall for someone else..
she told me that 'there'll be other girls'.. that was pretty much right after we'd slept together for the first time,
fortunately we seemed to bond and click in ways I couldn't have dreamed for, in the days that followed.. she seems to welcome the idea of me returning..
she tells me she misses me..
I can't help suspecting someting though - that's what gets me down..
that's what gives me discontent when I don't hear from her..
she's far more 'active' than i'd considered before.. but I think I grew up a lot, during the week with her..
I just want her.. like I never thought possible..
I'd written in another blog, that January would feel like it was right round the corner when I returned - well it feels decades away..
I want to go back in december-time..
.. I know life rarely gives a shit about plans.. but I'm hoping I can fiddle an interview with a company there, for a visit in december.. and hopefully gauge what my chances are..
then there's work.
Our workplace merged with another, about 2 years ago -
the aquired place, traditionally paid their people higher wages, and parity was promised - but has never been delivered. Colleagues from the other place are still paid higher, and no efforts are being made to officially eliminate the disparity. People are leaving partly because of this.
They're also leaving because the working conditions, workloads, management styles are fundamentally flawed.. and I believe people are suffering.
Evidence of that occurred yesterday: a good friend, great colleague, and enthusiast for the nature of our work.. he had a big heart attack, while driving home from work. he's had emergency surgery, and is critical, but stable..
it's knocked me harder than I could have prepared myself for - as i wasn't prepared, I'm pretty devastated..
I also found out that another friend, a closer friend, had his wife leave him last weekend..
they have kids.. 2 are his, the 3rd is hers from another marriage.. but they'll stay with her..
and I still miss the new girl.
without wanting to invite a test of my emotional stamina, there are fewer things I treasure that I'd miss more - my car maybe, but that has significant practicality, bordering on necessity..
y'know what.. -
I twittered with her, this morning - the highlight of the day without question..
but
Fuck today - today was not a good day..
12.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
.. Shit got real..er.
So..
it's been ages since I last wrote to myself, here..
but things have ramped up.
to re-cap -
I got swine flu.. 2 days in, Girl 1 finished with me - I've not heard from her since then.
I think of her often, but for short periods.
My focus is very much on Girl 2 right now..
She called me within a few days of the end of my relationship - and indeed a day into the flu..
trying not to read into that, she said "how could I not call, since you're sick and Single..."
I'm pretty sure she meant, "how could I stand by, unsupportive, while you're dealing with illness, at the same time as dealing with a breakup..".
.. still - as it happens,
She called me one sunday night.. I guess around midnight, her time -
the friday before, she had suggested I call her, and I'd suggested in my last private tweet to her that she texted me to let me know if calling would be convenient.. and she just called anyway.
the conversation meandered to some guy that she was kinda finding chemistry with there, but was 41.. she's 26? .. kinda tough to listen to for me, but all the same I made the half-joke..
"Maybe I should just come and rescue you from him.."
she replied -
".. yeah, I guess you will".. or words to that effect..
so I then replied..
"well.. - I've got a free week at the end of september.. and the means to come over.. ?"
her - "you're serious..."
me - "yeah, i'm serious.. would you be up for it?"
her - ".. hell yeah.."
*win*
.. so this thing rapidly ramps up -
We've texted or called pretty much every day since. she picked up a new laptop recently, and it has a built in camera, and wireless internet.. so like, we can skype.
we first skyped a little over a week ago.. and finalised whens and wheres..
so I booked flights as soon as I'd cleared the time off.
I'm fucking going.. !!!!!
it looks like we'll do 3 days in her home town, and 3 days in another, nearby city..
It means getting up Uber-early for me, so that We can talk before I go to work, but still..
we've skyped twice, and there seems to be a lovely chemistry still..
I skyped with her this morning, at around 5:30-6 my time..
she was in a cafe with internet - and we talked about Hotels.
I made something of a screw-up, by asking if she'd rather separate rooms or shared rooms when we go to the other city -
she seemed fine with sharing, until realising that there would be a double bed, instead of two singles.. it was the first time I'd seen her nervous; not able to place her words well.
I hated that she felt uncomfortable.. But still couldn't seem to stop thinking about the possibility of something intimate.
over the last 5 years, since she and I were close before - at least, since I was last in a position to be majorly hurt by her, I've been through plenty that should have taught me all about building up hopes. I've asked girls out, I've been with 2 women.. one for 4 years, the other for about 4 days.. I've come to understand things about expectation and disappointment.. but NOTHING halts the swell of these dreams..
I've learned from my last relationship how the force of someone loving you can be intimidating, so I just want to be as outwardly relaxed as possible toward Girl2. I don't want to confess love, intentions for physical proximity, dream-like relationships, moving to be closer to her, plans for marriage, and a successful life..
Right now, my mind is fired up with all of this - it's a carry-over from how I imagined life in a relationship to be, from my childhood.
I remember falling in love for the first time, at 13, not being able to do anything about it but imagine that I had 4 years to do something. The object of that affection was a year older, italian, and beautiful.. and I'd worked out that girls can get married at 18.. so therefore I should position myself such that she marry me at 18.
I can't help thinkin about the first moment I see her in the flesh.. I want to hug her.. i want her to feel my arms around her, I want her to smell the fragrance that I bought in 2002 and have been saving for her. I want to smell her perfume, and breath it in deeply.. I want to effortlessly make her feel more comfortable with me than she is with any other man in the world.. I want her to want to stay with me some of the nights i'm there..
I remember times from our ealy friendship when she and I would talk on the web, from when the sun came up for her, until the sun came up for me.. strange talking long into the night, then the early hours, and the morning - seeing friends from around the world sign into msn briefly to check their breakfast-emails..
... I'm pretty confident that romantic physicality is a subject that gets her nervous.. at least with me.. and why not - we've never met.. but in one way and another we've gravitated emotionally toward each other, time and time again since 2001.. I took every opportunity back then to tell her I loved her, it must have annoyed and frightened her.. someone so far away putting all that pressure onto her.. I'm not expecting anything intimate, beyond the platonic intimacy that any civilised confident person is capable of..
she seems philosophical about it though - "what happens will happen.. "
I Pray that it goes well.. granted, if it goes well I'll be moving 7000 miles from where my home is.. 7000 miles from my family..
the thing is, that as you know, avid reader, she has flights booked to here next year. My intent is to hopefully get something that can at least sustain until she comes here in january..
I've done the "travelling to a partner you've never met" thing.. and it has to be more terrifying for a 55kg girl, than a 115kg guy..
ideally, she'll be able to choose to stay with me while she's here,..
in a perfect world, she'd 'want' to stay WITH me.. while she's here..
but January is a long way off -
it'll feel fucking close though, when i get back from seeing her..
I really hope that it becomes something that I would move heaven and earth to experience, rather than something I would want to move heaven and Earth to ignore.
over the years, I know that disappointment is based on expectation and high hope. but that experience and knowledge doesn't stop the dreams keeping me awake all night..
I barely slept last night, knowing I'd talk to her at 5:30am..
it felt like a really child-like christmas.. pure excitement..
"bright lust".. lusting after something so honest, and pure..
rather than dark lust..
I honestly feel like I want her...
and speaking to her makes me happier than I've felt in years.
I'm excited, yet crapping my pants..
12.
it's been ages since I last wrote to myself, here..
but things have ramped up.
to re-cap -
I got swine flu.. 2 days in, Girl 1 finished with me - I've not heard from her since then.
I think of her often, but for short periods.
My focus is very much on Girl 2 right now..
She called me within a few days of the end of my relationship - and indeed a day into the flu..
trying not to read into that, she said "how could I not call, since you're sick and Single..."
I'm pretty sure she meant, "how could I stand by, unsupportive, while you're dealing with illness, at the same time as dealing with a breakup..".
.. still - as it happens,
She called me one sunday night.. I guess around midnight, her time -
the friday before, she had suggested I call her, and I'd suggested in my last private tweet to her that she texted me to let me know if calling would be convenient.. and she just called anyway.
the conversation meandered to some guy that she was kinda finding chemistry with there, but was 41.. she's 26? .. kinda tough to listen to for me, but all the same I made the half-joke..
"Maybe I should just come and rescue you from him.."
she replied -
".. yeah, I guess you will".. or words to that effect..
so I then replied..
"well.. - I've got a free week at the end of september.. and the means to come over.. ?"
her - "you're serious..."
me - "yeah, i'm serious.. would you be up for it?"
her - ".. hell yeah.."
*win*
.. so this thing rapidly ramps up -
We've texted or called pretty much every day since. she picked up a new laptop recently, and it has a built in camera, and wireless internet.. so like, we can skype.
we first skyped a little over a week ago.. and finalised whens and wheres..
so I booked flights as soon as I'd cleared the time off.
I'm fucking going.. !!!!!
it looks like we'll do 3 days in her home town, and 3 days in another, nearby city..
It means getting up Uber-early for me, so that We can talk before I go to work, but still..
we've skyped twice, and there seems to be a lovely chemistry still..
I skyped with her this morning, at around 5:30-6 my time..
she was in a cafe with internet - and we talked about Hotels.
I made something of a screw-up, by asking if she'd rather separate rooms or shared rooms when we go to the other city -
she seemed fine with sharing, until realising that there would be a double bed, instead of two singles.. it was the first time I'd seen her nervous; not able to place her words well.
I hated that she felt uncomfortable.. But still couldn't seem to stop thinking about the possibility of something intimate.
over the last 5 years, since she and I were close before - at least, since I was last in a position to be majorly hurt by her, I've been through plenty that should have taught me all about building up hopes. I've asked girls out, I've been with 2 women.. one for 4 years, the other for about 4 days.. I've come to understand things about expectation and disappointment.. but NOTHING halts the swell of these dreams..
I've learned from my last relationship how the force of someone loving you can be intimidating, so I just want to be as outwardly relaxed as possible toward Girl2. I don't want to confess love, intentions for physical proximity, dream-like relationships, moving to be closer to her, plans for marriage, and a successful life..
Right now, my mind is fired up with all of this - it's a carry-over from how I imagined life in a relationship to be, from my childhood.
I remember falling in love for the first time, at 13, not being able to do anything about it but imagine that I had 4 years to do something. The object of that affection was a year older, italian, and beautiful.. and I'd worked out that girls can get married at 18.. so therefore I should position myself such that she marry me at 18.
I can't help thinkin about the first moment I see her in the flesh.. I want to hug her.. i want her to feel my arms around her, I want her to smell the fragrance that I bought in 2002 and have been saving for her. I want to smell her perfume, and breath it in deeply.. I want to effortlessly make her feel more comfortable with me than she is with any other man in the world.. I want her to want to stay with me some of the nights i'm there..
I remember times from our ealy friendship when she and I would talk on the web, from when the sun came up for her, until the sun came up for me.. strange talking long into the night, then the early hours, and the morning - seeing friends from around the world sign into msn briefly to check their breakfast-emails..
... I'm pretty confident that romantic physicality is a subject that gets her nervous.. at least with me.. and why not - we've never met.. but in one way and another we've gravitated emotionally toward each other, time and time again since 2001.. I took every opportunity back then to tell her I loved her, it must have annoyed and frightened her.. someone so far away putting all that pressure onto her.. I'm not expecting anything intimate, beyond the platonic intimacy that any civilised confident person is capable of..
she seems philosophical about it though - "what happens will happen.. "
I Pray that it goes well.. granted, if it goes well I'll be moving 7000 miles from where my home is.. 7000 miles from my family..
the thing is, that as you know, avid reader, she has flights booked to here next year. My intent is to hopefully get something that can at least sustain until she comes here in january..
I've done the "travelling to a partner you've never met" thing.. and it has to be more terrifying for a 55kg girl, than a 115kg guy..
ideally, she'll be able to choose to stay with me while she's here,..
in a perfect world, she'd 'want' to stay WITH me.. while she's here..
but January is a long way off -
it'll feel fucking close though, when i get back from seeing her..
I really hope that it becomes something that I would move heaven and earth to experience, rather than something I would want to move heaven and Earth to ignore.
over the years, I know that disappointment is based on expectation and high hope. but that experience and knowledge doesn't stop the dreams keeping me awake all night..
I barely slept last night, knowing I'd talk to her at 5:30am..
it felt like a really child-like christmas.. pure excitement..
"bright lust".. lusting after something so honest, and pure..
rather than dark lust..
I honestly feel like I want her...
and speaking to her makes me happier than I've felt in years.
I'm excited, yet crapping my pants..
12.
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Ugh..
Ok, So the news..with me, your host.
god knows why i type this as tho I have readers.. I guess it must help, thinking someone's listening.
Anyway - Girl 1 finished with me, almost 2 weeks ago - her initiative, she phoned me to break up, and 5 hours later, break up, we did. It knocked me sideways in the moment, and left me upset for hours.. The fallout over the last 2 weeks, have involved her blocking and removing most of our mutual friends, opening her own twitter account, where she voices regret..
she has 1 follower - a person of her own country, who only speaks that language..
She tweets in english.. knowing who's probably going to be reading..
manipulative, much?
I had bad flu that weekend too - which lasted the length of the following week..
Then I discover that my dad might have some good-sized, Lung problems.. various tests are ongoing...
For the first time in years, Work is frustrating me - I don't feel useful right now, when i'm assured that I will be useful.. I want to crack on with real work, like I've been entrusted with for 5 years, rather than the preparatory stuff that I have to work on..
.. I crashed my car, too - I love my car, and in heavy traffic, the cars in front of me, left 3 or 4 fewer feet worth of braking distance, and I smack the car in front. I meet with the guy in about an hour, to sort payment for his damage.
I'll be a marginally happier bunny when I know I've paid the right amount, and he won't call me.. here's hoping nothing unpredictable happens - I just want it finished.
yesterday I just wanted to curl up, and not have to worry..
Do i get a cheap-ass car? do I get rid of my beloved V6 ?
don't like surprises.
:(
except of course the good ones..
'spose everyone likes those..
god knows why i type this as tho I have readers.. I guess it must help, thinking someone's listening.
Anyway - Girl 1 finished with me, almost 2 weeks ago - her initiative, she phoned me to break up, and 5 hours later, break up, we did. It knocked me sideways in the moment, and left me upset for hours.. The fallout over the last 2 weeks, have involved her blocking and removing most of our mutual friends, opening her own twitter account, where she voices regret..
she has 1 follower - a person of her own country, who only speaks that language..
She tweets in english.. knowing who's probably going to be reading..
manipulative, much?
I had bad flu that weekend too - which lasted the length of the following week..
Then I discover that my dad might have some good-sized, Lung problems.. various tests are ongoing...
For the first time in years, Work is frustrating me - I don't feel useful right now, when i'm assured that I will be useful.. I want to crack on with real work, like I've been entrusted with for 5 years, rather than the preparatory stuff that I have to work on..
.. I crashed my car, too - I love my car, and in heavy traffic, the cars in front of me, left 3 or 4 fewer feet worth of braking distance, and I smack the car in front. I meet with the guy in about an hour, to sort payment for his damage.
I'll be a marginally happier bunny when I know I've paid the right amount, and he won't call me.. here's hoping nothing unpredictable happens - I just want it finished.
yesterday I just wanted to curl up, and not have to worry..
Do i get a cheap-ass car? do I get rid of my beloved V6 ?
don't like surprises.
:(
except of course the good ones..
'spose everyone likes those..
Monday, 10 August 2009
Shit just got real..
.. So -
in the apparent lack of postable tripe falling from my brain through my fingers, might make it seem that all has been well since that last post.
To re-cap - I caved, and bought tickets 5 days before the day of the flight, and went to see Girl 1 at the beginning of June, had a(n) hideously uncomfortable time with allergies, temperature and injuries (album title?), and was ultimately glad to return home. We didn't fight, however.
It was one of the few inconsiderate times on her part, though.. I remember having to walk everywhere at the place we stayed, even with a foot i couldn't bear weight on.. and sleeping in a single bed, with my girlfriend, without aircon or a fan, in night-time temperatures of 30C+, with a sore foot...
..... For 2 nights... .
I disappointed myself. This was properly uncomfortable - this was, for me, roughing it, and I had relative comfort... ugh. such a snob.
anyway, I returned home, to work, to my family, to my car.. to a further week off because of the foot thing.. and for 5 more weeks, we had peace.. no fighting, pleasant conversations, even some phonesex.. But 3 weeks ago.. I was brought a basket of shit, that stank worse than i've ever known.. an argument, so selfish in its construction that I couldn't believe it was happening.
I apparently had not called her enough. I paid for 95% of the week together, and kept paying for it - my phone bills were immense.. I bought her birthday gifts, and made sure her parcel was there in good time.. I called her .. more often than she called me.. yet I get a whole 4 hours worth of bullshit for not being attentive, or showing my love..
Aside from this marking the 2st day of 3 weeks' tension, it's also an ammunition stockpile for Karma to eventually shoot me with..
SO..
as Girl1 and I approach the knife-edge.. Girl2 drops something of a bomb.
she has booked flights to come to my country, and wants to see me...
I also said that I wanted to visit her.. pretty soon.. like, inside the next 6 weeks.
I just hate the idea that knowing that Girl2 is thinking of me, would affect my decision-making process with Girl1..
I'm also thinking of girls at my gym, .. somewhat blinded by potential, not considering the utter lack of certainty.
Pish
12.
in the apparent lack of postable tripe falling from my brain through my fingers, might make it seem that all has been well since that last post.
To re-cap - I caved, and bought tickets 5 days before the day of the flight, and went to see Girl 1 at the beginning of June, had a(n) hideously uncomfortable time with allergies, temperature and injuries (album title?), and was ultimately glad to return home. We didn't fight, however.
It was one of the few inconsiderate times on her part, though.. I remember having to walk everywhere at the place we stayed, even with a foot i couldn't bear weight on.. and sleeping in a single bed, with my girlfriend, without aircon or a fan, in night-time temperatures of 30C+, with a sore foot...
..... For 2 nights... .
I disappointed myself. This was properly uncomfortable - this was, for me, roughing it, and I had relative comfort... ugh. such a snob.
anyway, I returned home, to work, to my family, to my car.. to a further week off because of the foot thing.. and for 5 more weeks, we had peace.. no fighting, pleasant conversations, even some phonesex.. But 3 weeks ago.. I was brought a basket of shit, that stank worse than i've ever known.. an argument, so selfish in its construction that I couldn't believe it was happening.
I apparently had not called her enough. I paid for 95% of the week together, and kept paying for it - my phone bills were immense.. I bought her birthday gifts, and made sure her parcel was there in good time.. I called her .. more often than she called me.. yet I get a whole 4 hours worth of bullshit for not being attentive, or showing my love..
Aside from this marking the 2st day of 3 weeks' tension, it's also an ammunition stockpile for Karma to eventually shoot me with..
SO..
as Girl1 and I approach the knife-edge.. Girl2 drops something of a bomb.
she has booked flights to come to my country, and wants to see me...
I also said that I wanted to visit her.. pretty soon.. like, inside the next 6 weeks.
I just hate the idea that knowing that Girl2 is thinking of me, would affect my decision-making process with Girl1..
I'm also thinking of girls at my gym, .. somewhat blinded by potential, not considering the utter lack of certainty.
Pish
12.
Saturday, 23 May 2009
.. And so after the drunken blog of last week..
.. I'm sitting, effectively waiting until i need to go out -
I'm going to see friends and play pretty unnecessary-yet-loads-of-fun-nonetheless boardgames..
and I'm reflecting on my current situation with girls.
I think of it often.
I think often.
I think.
Therefore I must Be..
hmmmm..
Never mind - here : the issue.
and god knows it's pathetic.
I have a girlfriend - Girl 1. and I also have an old friend (Girl 2) who I was in love with, totally, about 6 years ago.. and who offered me the opportunity of enduring the biggest heartbreak evar.
SO -
Both girls are/were LDRs (Long-Distance Relationships), 1 is 4 hours away by plane, 2 is 15 hours by plane. (this is to give a rough idea of distance - we'll not mention cost).
So,.. old feelings for Girl 2 are coming back really strongly - strong enough that I'm bothered by randomness in things she says. I'm again reading her words to me, words to others, in efforts to understand more about what she's thinking. If I can get a really undeniable bead on her thoughts toward others, I can extrapolate thoughts toward me.
She tells me she 'loves' me - in what feels like a platonic way, but then can flirt like a long-term-single mum at a speeddating night. it's very confusing.
Recently, I jokingly projected that I would be the future husband/father of her children - after which she, albeit laughingly, told me ... "hehehehe - you're so full of shit.. heheheh"
er.. thanks.
now - some typing for Girl 1. my actual girlfriend.
I was supposed to be seeing her in early June, after having put off meetings because of work responsibilities.
I introduced the idea that I might not choose to actually come, which made her furious, and began a week-long series of arguments, in celebration of how wrong I was. (kinda like how roman emporers were remembered and celebrated with games.
games in which people died.
I'm sitting now, having visited the airline' website thinking that I'd be able to stifle my doubts and feelings, and book the flight for 2 weeks' time and it'd all be marvellous.
I always enjoy time with her, but hate the arguments, and childishness..
PLus, fundamentally, my romantic feelings for Girl 2 are stronger than they are for her, Girl 1.
I hate hurting people, especially people that invest their feelings in me..
god knows, I hate being hurt by people I love.
but then, one always is.. lol
ugh, I don't like this current predicament.
do I go in a couple of weeks, sending messages to everyone, stating my positivity in this relationship, ignoring my feelings. or do I hold fast, and say that I'm actually not coming.. and deal with the fallout.. ?
either will happen - and i think the impact on Girl 2 would be very minimal.
Girl 2, as truly blossomed since I loved her all those years ago.
she's gone from a (little bit nerdy)20-yr old student/waitress, to an absolutely (in my eyes Stunning) event coordinator/model/actress/dancer/celebrity...
and I've gone, in the same time from someone overweight and pretty bald, to someone even balder and still overweight, although I have a great education, and some good qualifications, enjoying a great job that my superiors congratulate me with, in promotions and grand ideas of leadership.
i have a nice car.. I still live at home, but have a good lifestyle, and crucially, a good relationship with my folks.. my lifestyle isn't a 24hr drug-fuelled bender..
quite the opposite.. Minus, of course, the tweed..
I don't really drink, I no longer smoke - having been a trivial smoker (my doctor's words, not mine)..
*sigh*..
I'm in love with the dream that is Girl 2.
they say that Girl 2, is always greener.
i'm caught between my own wishes, an inability to confidently voice my feelings, a couple of big life-philosophies, and every movie-based casual 'do this because we're making it feel poignant' approach to living..
and of course, booking flights.
ugh.
12.
.. I'm sitting, effectively waiting until i need to go out -
I'm going to see friends and play pretty unnecessary-yet-loads-of-fun-nonetheless boardgames..
and I'm reflecting on my current situation with girls.
I think of it often.
I think often.
I think.
Therefore I must Be..
hmmmm..
Never mind - here : the issue.
and god knows it's pathetic.
I have a girlfriend - Girl 1. and I also have an old friend (Girl 2) who I was in love with, totally, about 6 years ago.. and who offered me the opportunity of enduring the biggest heartbreak evar.
SO -
Both girls are/were LDRs (Long-Distance Relationships), 1 is 4 hours away by plane, 2 is 15 hours by plane. (this is to give a rough idea of distance - we'll not mention cost).
So,.. old feelings for Girl 2 are coming back really strongly - strong enough that I'm bothered by randomness in things she says. I'm again reading her words to me, words to others, in efforts to understand more about what she's thinking. If I can get a really undeniable bead on her thoughts toward others, I can extrapolate thoughts toward me.
She tells me she 'loves' me - in what feels like a platonic way, but then can flirt like a long-term-single mum at a speeddating night. it's very confusing.
Recently, I jokingly projected that I would be the future husband/father of her children - after which she, albeit laughingly, told me ... "hehehehe - you're so full of shit.. heheheh"
er.. thanks.
now - some typing for Girl 1. my actual girlfriend.
I was supposed to be seeing her in early June, after having put off meetings because of work responsibilities.
I introduced the idea that I might not choose to actually come, which made her furious, and began a week-long series of arguments, in celebration of how wrong I was. (kinda like how roman emporers were remembered and celebrated with games.
games in which people died.
I'm sitting now, having visited the airline' website thinking that I'd be able to stifle my doubts and feelings, and book the flight for 2 weeks' time and it'd all be marvellous.
I always enjoy time with her, but hate the arguments, and childishness..
PLus, fundamentally, my romantic feelings for Girl 2 are stronger than they are for her, Girl 1.
I hate hurting people, especially people that invest their feelings in me..
god knows, I hate being hurt by people I love.
but then, one always is.. lol
ugh, I don't like this current predicament.
do I go in a couple of weeks, sending messages to everyone, stating my positivity in this relationship, ignoring my feelings. or do I hold fast, and say that I'm actually not coming.. and deal with the fallout.. ?
either will happen - and i think the impact on Girl 2 would be very minimal.
Girl 2, as truly blossomed since I loved her all those years ago.
she's gone from a (little bit nerdy)20-yr old student/waitress, to an absolutely (in my eyes Stunning) event coordinator/model/actress/dancer/celebrity...
and I've gone, in the same time from someone overweight and pretty bald, to someone even balder and still overweight, although I have a great education, and some good qualifications, enjoying a great job that my superiors congratulate me with, in promotions and grand ideas of leadership.
i have a nice car.. I still live at home, but have a good lifestyle, and crucially, a good relationship with my folks.. my lifestyle isn't a 24hr drug-fuelled bender..
quite the opposite.. Minus, of course, the tweed..
I don't really drink, I no longer smoke - having been a trivial smoker (my doctor's words, not mine)..
*sigh*..
I'm in love with the dream that is Girl 2.
they say that Girl 2, is always greener.
i'm caught between my own wishes, an inability to confidently voice my feelings, a couple of big life-philosophies, and every movie-based casual 'do this because we're making it feel poignant' approach to living..
and of course, booking flights.
ugh.
12.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
So you're drunk..
and as you remember it..
you fought with your actual dirfriend on sunday..
now is thursday - very early drunken hours
you're thinkin that you'llremember this all very clearly -
experiment! :D - ..
still
you've been tinkin o the other girl, the one who wants to see you too.. Shhhhhhhhh..
apparently her gift ha arrived
wy cah't you end things with girl 1, so that girl 2 can be seen in peron?/
that's person
not peron
:P
I dn't now
whnver i approah the subject of breaking upw ith girl 1, i get cowardly ad chickin out..
she becomes the ensitive, quiet person i thinki need in m lief, and not the fiery mediterranean (while drunk, spelling mediterranean!!) who always has to be right an get her way
i' tired.
need bed, but not before posting this. .
continue..
oyou got red on you
....
more drunk than i've been in years
4 hours, high-school friends, and 6 pints of bitter....
or n7?
where n= 1 pint..
?
physics.. bah.
formulae bah
not bah, just for other minds.
sleepy now -
and bored.
G'NIGHT!
:d
OOP
CAPS
:D
G'night.
12.
and as you remember it..
you fought with your actual dirfriend on sunday..
now is thursday - very early drunken hours
you're thinkin that you'llremember this all very clearly -
experiment! :D - ..
still
you've been tinkin o the other girl, the one who wants to see you too.. Shhhhhhhhh..
apparently her gift ha arrived
wy cah't you end things with girl 1, so that girl 2 can be seen in peron?/
that's person
not peron
:P
I dn't now
whnver i approah the subject of breaking upw ith girl 1, i get cowardly ad chickin out..
she becomes the ensitive, quiet person i thinki need in m lief, and not the fiery mediterranean (while drunk, spelling mediterranean!!) who always has to be right an get her way
i' tired.
need bed, but not before posting this. .
continue..
oyou got red on you
....
more drunk than i've been in years
4 hours, high-school friends, and 6 pints of bitter....
or n7?
where n= 1 pint..
?
physics.. bah.
formulae bah
not bah, just for other minds.
sleepy now -
and bored.
G'NIGHT!
:d
OOP
CAPS
:D
G'night.
12.
Monday, 13 April 2009
Heh ... So, trawling through old email DBXs, i found this gem..
who'd have thunk -
dated something like 18th May 2003,
Dear Me,
who'd have thunk -
dated something like 18th May 2003,
Dear Me,
this is you speaking, and this is the first real diary entry you ever made. -
chances are that it'll be the last - or one of the few.. and to start... you took out your labret. this was the day it went.
you just got 2 messages from mum, telling you that Nan's getting worse - . the fall the other day seemed simply to be the catalyst.
she fell into the fireplace and bumped her back and head if you'd forgotten. she smashed the glass of the cabinet with her head, and smashed her lower spine and pelvis on the fire surround. now.. a little more than 36 hours later, she's just been rushed to the royal by paramedics, full of drugs to help her breathe.. but also full of Angina, pneumonia and fear.
Mah sounded awful didn't she. listening to her on the messages tore you up.
you just told dad - .. he's taken it much like you thought..only moreso - sensitively.. logically.. strongly. -
your thoughts now.. are still of your girl and your relationship with her.. wether you started the end of it by being honest with her mother, wether you started the end of it as soon as you told her that you loved her.. ... .. .. all that distance away from you. the ongoing problem of her parents acceptance.. you can outperform every local guy they could ever line up for her, but you'd never gain acceptance.. - do I start believing that it's them that would tear the family apart because of me.. - ? wether it ends up being me or wether it ends up being another guy.. - someone will have to prize their daughter from them - they need to realise she's a big girl.. - .. and that you love her
but now compounded by thoughts of being surrounded by family, and crying in a suit..of my mum and dad being at the front of our family line.. what attrocities the coming week will hold.
- Nan's coughing up a lot of blood - she has a deep pneumonia. and her heart rate is extremely erratic, which means that it's failing. I'm going to have to wear a suit...
poppudums and soda water.. - your conversational target has been here the whole night, and you love her to bits. - and I'm just about to gloat my huge crisps.. - just because I'm shallow and my mind is so screwed.. I have no concept of priority..
It'll be like an interview - ..
you talked to her for the last 2 hours.. she needs a gift.
You need rest - so close this rubbish.
Mad, eh?
Mad.
!
Keep this! :D
Mad, eh?
Mad.
!
Keep this! :D
Saturday, 11 April 2009
.. So I must be getting into this....
I've had one profile view since yesterday, and all of a sudden I'm caring about what I write..
Also, i'm caring how the page looks, whether people can read things clearly.
anyway!
I'm on holiday as of yesterday, granted it's only the easter weekend, but still.. 4 days without work is 4 days without work.
I love my job, but it exhausts me; especially when i feel as big a responsibility to, and ownership of the work as I do.
I should be sleeping later than 7:30am, but I've been up for almost 2 hours already - I've looked at Flight Prices to the closest airport to Girl#2.
and Girl#2 is really #1..
I thought it was 10 hours away.. it's 15, but the Fare is the same.
I should be happy that I'm gettin 50% extra travel time for the same money, - lol - however I'm thinking more about being 50% further away from home if thing don't go REALLY really well.
at times I feel like I'm stalking her, and feel guilty about it.. I'm really not a stalker, am I? I'm interested in her, I love her.. I care about her.. and i want to be with her -
but not so much that I'd want to screw her life up.
If only I were less bothered about screwing up.. or getting things wrong.
that's my problem, it seems. I worry about making mistakes to the point that I don't start anything for fear of failing - Starting is, after all, the first step toward failure..
It's the blank canvas that artists bitch about, isn't it..
you almost need to make a mistake, just so that you have something to react to..
So here's a thought that just popped in -
You have artists like Da Vinci who produce works in the lifetime (for the purposes of this idea, it's not important that their works were more popular after the artists' death..)..
and those works are regarded as beautiful, seen as perfect by people - but they were produced over a time - over probably a short time, and they were called finished..
and some artists work on the same piece for decades, adding to it, painting over it (or sculpting.. adding clay, subtracting clay..) without direction, identifiable form, just with dogged determination..
we can appreciate both efforts.. but which is more valid?
I've had Girl#2 in my life for 5 years - and been with her for more than 3 years of that.. but it's ultimately directionless - but it *is*... and it's there, she's there for me...
girl #1 has been in my life for around 7 years, and I've loved her more intensely than I ever have another, and probably ever would love another.. and, given the opportunity and circumstance, I would marry her tomorrow..
ugh..
is this the first post, for posting's sake?
feels like it.
anyway - long story -> short..
The flight brings girl#2 closer to reality - and it makes me think of just how i'm gonna fuckin manage it. it's been a meeting, 7 years in the making...
I just know she's gonna want to take me clubbing..
you've no idea how badly i hate clubbing.
LOLZ.
12
Also, i'm caring how the page looks, whether people can read things clearly.
anyway!
I'm on holiday as of yesterday, granted it's only the easter weekend, but still.. 4 days without work is 4 days without work.
I love my job, but it exhausts me; especially when i feel as big a responsibility to, and ownership of the work as I do.
I should be sleeping later than 7:30am, but I've been up for almost 2 hours already - I've looked at Flight Prices to the closest airport to Girl#2.
and Girl#2 is really #1..
I thought it was 10 hours away.. it's 15, but the Fare is the same.
I should be happy that I'm gettin 50% extra travel time for the same money, - lol - however I'm thinking more about being 50% further away from home if thing don't go REALLY really well.
at times I feel like I'm stalking her, and feel guilty about it.. I'm really not a stalker, am I? I'm interested in her, I love her.. I care about her.. and i want to be with her -
but not so much that I'd want to screw her life up.
If only I were less bothered about screwing up.. or getting things wrong.
that's my problem, it seems. I worry about making mistakes to the point that I don't start anything for fear of failing - Starting is, after all, the first step toward failure..
It's the blank canvas that artists bitch about, isn't it..
you almost need to make a mistake, just so that you have something to react to..
So here's a thought that just popped in -
You have artists like Da Vinci who produce works in the lifetime (for the purposes of this idea, it's not important that their works were more popular after the artists' death..)..
and those works are regarded as beautiful, seen as perfect by people - but they were produced over a time - over probably a short time, and they were called finished..
and some artists work on the same piece for decades, adding to it, painting over it (or sculpting.. adding clay, subtracting clay..) without direction, identifiable form, just with dogged determination..
we can appreciate both efforts.. but which is more valid?
I've had Girl#2 in my life for 5 years - and been with her for more than 3 years of that.. but it's ultimately directionless - but it *is*... and it's there, she's there for me...
girl #1 has been in my life for around 7 years, and I've loved her more intensely than I ever have another, and probably ever would love another.. and, given the opportunity and circumstance, I would marry her tomorrow..
ugh..
is this the first post, for posting's sake?
feels like it.
anyway - long story -> short..
The flight brings girl#2 closer to reality - and it makes me think of just how i'm gonna fuckin manage it. it's been a meeting, 7 years in the making...
I just know she's gonna want to take me clubbing..
you've no idea how badly i hate clubbing.
LOLZ.
12
Thursday, 9 April 2009
... and so after almost 4 months, the excercise continues..
So yes, My quest to use this as a drop-in clinic, whenever I've had a bad day, should tell anyone curious enough to read, that I've not had a bad day since christmas..
M'eh, I say, M'eh.
and it's not that I'm not motivated enough to actually write on it, either: I sit infront of a web-connected PC almost 14 hours per day (through choice, obviously), typing mostly.
After over-analysis mode kicks in, I come to the idea that maybe I'm in denial about just how bad the days are, and flatly refuse to type here, knowing it takes a really bad mood for me to vent - and I hate to think that I've had bad moods.
but I kinda have.
My girlfriend and I are fighting often, not every day, not every week, but it's taking a toll on me. I can feel a familiar exhaustion coming - the exhaustion that lets you wake up every day at the same time, work the same way, with the same enthusiasm, go to sleep at the same time at night.. It would even allow you to perform the same workout at the gym, the same day-to-day physical tasks withou becoming overly fatigued..
It lets you do all these, but at the same time, it allows your mind to enter that almost-dreamlike state, where it's tough to find the usually-available line between reality and imagination. In essence, you find things wrong with you that aren't really there. Your mind is so weakened, that when you of course try to logic your way out, and you don't find any evidence to the contrary, a little bit of adrenaline to make you feel real fear over it. It now becomes an almost-real issue for your mind, and body maybe, to deal with; after all, diseases come from nowhere.
OCD, offshoots of it have been in my life so long, I can't help thinking that all decisions are just reactions to tiny little bits of ocd we store for future usefulness..
.. I believe that Humans evolved from lesser organisms, Lesser in the sense that they are less complex (or have less complexes?). I don't mean lesser in terms of morals, or ethics - While that could be argued, there's always a dickhead right around the corner fully willing to stand on a soapbox (usually in front of friends who won't argue out of politeness, and usually only when an appropriately stimulating image passes infront fo them), and declare in that all-knowing tone : "...and we think we're so advanced...."
Fine - y'know what, they're entitled - humans regularly fuck up.
My mind can't help dismissing the bad stuff that humans are responsible for, like nuclear weapons, atmospheric pollution, over mining, child labour, hunting animals to extinction - all the bad stuff.. Instead it goes to Particle accelerators, Moon landings, Language, visual art, Musical art, linguistic art.. ..
... getting back to the thrust -
Lesser animals - Animals that one time only had adrenaline to guide them, to fuel them for the escape. Small mammals that got a jolt of adrenaline when they saw a massive reptillian shape in the darkness..
we have this trait, too.. only it's other things in our culture that take the reptillian form - stuff like bank balances, mortgages, cars, when we see that item on ebay we've always lusted after, and there's only 5 minutes to go, AND IT'S A REALLY GOOD PRICE!!!!!!..
*JOLT*
.. and we buy it, and it feels great for a moment, and the after-purchase wave of guilt and stupidity washes over you..
it also backfires, doesn't it.
Some years ago, I had a big reaction to this adrenaline, fear-system..
it's known as H-OCD.
OCD as I undertand it, is the situation you find yourself in, when you can't find closure on something.. anything..
Most know it as the hand-cleaning thing, or the light-switching-off-thing..
when the sufferer can't know for sure that the light is really off, or their hands are really clean. So waking life becomes an ongoing excercise in checking... making sure..
Through circumstances of my own engineering, I had spent a weekend with an old university friend, I'd invited her to my house for the weekend, and she came.. I was thrilled - I quite liked her at uni.
we had a lovely time in and around town, in our house, in restaurants, cafe's..
I remember she had a bad cold that weekend..
Out on a walk, one morning, we encountered an old tutor of mine, who assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend - on asking me if this is so, I answered.. "erm..... I guess so..."
I don't fully know why, Latent desire maybe, she still was fairly lovely, and we'd had a great time.. when we said goodbye to the tutor, I felt my hand being held, in the nice finger-interlocking way - the first time for me - at what... age 25.. ? - LOLZ.
ahem.
yer, so - we returned home, she would leave my city that morning, driving back to hers.
a little later after this, maybe a week or two - she wanted to return, so we organised her return.. we had talked about starting a relationship between the visits, I wanted to see how things went - I wasn't convinced, really... but it was my first go, so maybe this was normal..
she came, and we had a pleasant first afternoon - had a meal, sat close to each other, playing monopoly with other friends, then it came time for sleep..
She was to sleep on the floor of my room, but after complaining about how uncomfortable it was, i said.. "well.. you could sleep up here, and I'll sleep down on the fl........".. "OK.."
she climbs into my bed at the same time as me, and we continue talking about things..
we kiss - and kiss, and kiss, and kiss.. in truth, my first kiss of any consequence..
kissing became harder, more passionate.
our behavior didn't get anywhere close to hardcore, (through choice, obviously) but.. y'know.. it was intense for me.
that week kinda came and went - and during it, I knew pretty surely that I didn't 'love' her, I didn't even desire her any more.. and so shortly after she returned, I told her I didn't feel anything like she did - and the brevity of it was all too.... well.. brief. a week-long fling.. somethin like it anyway.
after this experienc I started questioning things, Why didn't I fal in ove with her, why didn't I find her attractive enough to keep a relationship going, why this, why that, why didn't I love another desperately beautiful woman in my life...
Might I be gay? -
*JOLT*
.. over the next week, I began understanding things... things about time and its linear nature.
Things about myself, and what my imagination is capable of convincing me of.. The big moment for me was that, while talking with a gay friend that week, I remembered the surname of one of his gay friends - ... *JOLT*
It was just.. unrecoverable - i remember looking past my monitors at work, through the window, wondering what I did to deserve this pain.. I panicked for the whole day -
I couldn't go home, sick, because that would mean having to admit this to someone..
No - it's here.. here in work - I need to work, and get past this.
days past, the mood didn't go away,
i started analysing my life to this point, thinking about old loves, women I would have given my life for.. wondering if they were all fake, if those loves were all lies - wondering whether it was just what my culture had taught me to lust after, rather than what I, Me, wanted.
I went to see a film that weekend with a friend - Team america - World police..
the whole thing was great, until the 'suck my cock' scene.. even fucking puppets - i was going out of my mind.
Then I started wondering if I was attracted to my friend!? - a guy I'd known for 7 years up to that point.. it got worse, I started questioning fundamental relationships in my life
wondering whether I found my sister attractive, my mother, my dad, my boss, people, men, women, drivers of other cars, while commuting to work, men in the gym.. -
I was so tired.
I was lost, and noone could help - I thought I was alone in suffering this (a common symptom associated with ocd).. I was embarassed by it...
I didn't go to the gym, didn't go to friends' houses for fear of fancying them, didn't spend time around my family..
I washed my car nearly every day one week, because it took me outdoors, away from people..
I went home from work one day, told them it was a stomach flu.. and stayed off, the next day - February 14th..
I was sat infront of my laptop that morning, and I wanted to test myself, test whether my emotional compass had any reliability.. The numb feeling is also common - I fully apreciate why people self-harm.. although it didn't come naturally to me during this period.. in fact, didn't come at all.. not even hitting stuff
I sat there looking at the screen, looking to msn, and I think back 2 years.. back to when I was as deeply in love with a woman, as I've ever been.. I bring up my msn privacy settings, and re-add her to my list, and send "Hey...." to her.
I look at the bit of msn that tells you when they're typing - and my god, it tells me she's typing.
*JOLT*
She didn't know it was me to begin with, .. we talk and talk and talk .. - for days it seemed.
I wasn't in heaven; talking with her was totally a reaction to my ocd dose, and depression, but it felt great anyway.. but, most importantly - I was totally intimidated by her, totally nervous about talking to her again, and so my compass was working.
.. Another reaction to the depression was to get in touch with that girl I'd spent new years with.. I thought maybe that giving it another try was gonna snap me out of it.., so I visited her a week later, with something to prove to myself...
I have never known guilt like it - all that weekend I couldn't snap out of it.. couldn't deal, at all.. I knew being there was a mistake, I knew I'd hurt her, I knew I didn't feel anything real for her.. I returned home after that weekend, miserable, depressed, sad, upset.. As it happens I was even more sure I didn't love her, or even fancy her.. and as such, I avoided her totally after it, hurting her immersurably.. more importantly tho - I was deeper into this OCD..
I had tested myself against a female, and failed totally, I didn't love her. and that's what I guess I lost then, I lost all faith that I'd find love. doubted everything before that I had identified and believed to be, Love..
Failure and panic -
HOWEVER
i kinda made it my mission to get over this - Love was beautiful, but it was for now, lost - and I wanted love back.
i began reading up on depression (the overwhelming pressure not to admit i was in a depression was a big hurdle)..
then searched for stuff like.. "worried that i might be gay",
then "worried might gay"
then "worried gay depression"
.. eventually I found a forum about ocd where other sufferers collaborated to pull each other out of their respective, depressing doorways..
This thing had a Name!!!! - it had a name I could point to, and say .. THAT'S WHAT I HAVE!
firstly it was a condition, a known one, that people deal with!!!
secondly, I wasn't alone - this is monumentally important..
I found accounts of people suffering this -
one guy who had suffered for it for 16 years..
FUCK THAT!
.. as I sit now, I remeber part of his account/story - basically - his 16-year olng battle boiled down to simple conversation with the last of many therapists..
"would you go on a date with another man?" "NO.. absolutely not....!!..."
"so you wouldn't ever sleep with another man?" "... NO -.... !!.. "
"so why are you allowing this to still dominate you - " - " ...because ....... I don't know for sure.. ! "
"listen.. this condition can't be finished with a test.. you can't get closure because of a test - I remember a guy coming to me with a complex about AIDS - he truly believed he had aids.. "
"... but there's a test for that.... i mean... he can know for sure!!...?"
" absolutely, he can. but tests don't matter for ocd, it's about relaxing the emotional muscles so that the ideas can just come and go"
like a breath of fucking fresh air -
not only does it ultimately boil down to your own belief in your own preferences..
but it's just a matter of time.
at least it was for me..
CBT - exposure therapy - getting used to that which you fear, not meaning much to you..
granted, it opens the door for getting over things easily - things which one might not want to.. like love - you don't want to get over love quickly.. Love should be important, and significant in life.
conveniently there's a gay guy working where I do - and a transexual.. the exposure therapy bit would be fairly easy.. I'd just talk with him..
I'd spike, occasionally - and return to that forum - but the gaps got bigger between visits..
the spikes got fewer, and further between..
I started a new relationship - perhaps too soon after the ocd.
We've been together since then - almost 4 years, but it's a bit rocky..
I'm thinking it was in part a reaction to the depression, another woman-test..
over analysing..
.. as it turns out, there is another woman in my life - and it's that Star that my compass could align itself to, in that cloudiest sky, 4 years ago..
I believe I love her, and I want to see her..
everything she says to me, invites me there. but I'd have to give my girlfriend up to go..
and there are absolutely no guarantees.
about anything.
12.
M'eh, I say, M'eh.
and it's not that I'm not motivated enough to actually write on it, either: I sit infront of a web-connected PC almost 14 hours per day (through choice, obviously), typing mostly.
After over-analysis mode kicks in, I come to the idea that maybe I'm in denial about just how bad the days are, and flatly refuse to type here, knowing it takes a really bad mood for me to vent - and I hate to think that I've had bad moods.
but I kinda have.
My girlfriend and I are fighting often, not every day, not every week, but it's taking a toll on me. I can feel a familiar exhaustion coming - the exhaustion that lets you wake up every day at the same time, work the same way, with the same enthusiasm, go to sleep at the same time at night.. It would even allow you to perform the same workout at the gym, the same day-to-day physical tasks withou becoming overly fatigued..
It lets you do all these, but at the same time, it allows your mind to enter that almost-dreamlike state, where it's tough to find the usually-available line between reality and imagination. In essence, you find things wrong with you that aren't really there. Your mind is so weakened, that when you of course try to logic your way out, and you don't find any evidence to the contrary, a little bit of adrenaline to make you feel real fear over it. It now becomes an almost-real issue for your mind, and body maybe, to deal with; after all, diseases come from nowhere.
OCD, offshoots of it have been in my life so long, I can't help thinking that all decisions are just reactions to tiny little bits of ocd we store for future usefulness..
.. I believe that Humans evolved from lesser organisms, Lesser in the sense that they are less complex (or have less complexes?). I don't mean lesser in terms of morals, or ethics - While that could be argued, there's always a dickhead right around the corner fully willing to stand on a soapbox (usually in front of friends who won't argue out of politeness, and usually only when an appropriately stimulating image passes infront fo them), and declare in that all-knowing tone : "...and we think we're so advanced...."
Fine - y'know what, they're entitled - humans regularly fuck up.
My mind can't help dismissing the bad stuff that humans are responsible for, like nuclear weapons, atmospheric pollution, over mining, child labour, hunting animals to extinction - all the bad stuff.. Instead it goes to Particle accelerators, Moon landings, Language, visual art, Musical art, linguistic art.. ..
... getting back to the thrust -
Lesser animals - Animals that one time only had adrenaline to guide them, to fuel them for the escape. Small mammals that got a jolt of adrenaline when they saw a massive reptillian shape in the darkness..
we have this trait, too.. only it's other things in our culture that take the reptillian form - stuff like bank balances, mortgages, cars, when we see that item on ebay we've always lusted after, and there's only 5 minutes to go, AND IT'S A REALLY GOOD PRICE!!!!!!..
*JOLT*
.. and we buy it, and it feels great for a moment, and the after-purchase wave of guilt and stupidity washes over you..
it also backfires, doesn't it.
Some years ago, I had a big reaction to this adrenaline, fear-system..
it's known as H-OCD.
OCD as I undertand it, is the situation you find yourself in, when you can't find closure on something.. anything..
Most know it as the hand-cleaning thing, or the light-switching-off-thing..
when the sufferer can't know for sure that the light is really off, or their hands are really clean. So waking life becomes an ongoing excercise in checking... making sure..
Through circumstances of my own engineering, I had spent a weekend with an old university friend, I'd invited her to my house for the weekend, and she came.. I was thrilled - I quite liked her at uni.
we had a lovely time in and around town, in our house, in restaurants, cafe's..
I remember she had a bad cold that weekend..
Out on a walk, one morning, we encountered an old tutor of mine, who assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend - on asking me if this is so, I answered.. "erm..... I guess so..."
I don't fully know why, Latent desire maybe, she still was fairly lovely, and we'd had a great time.. when we said goodbye to the tutor, I felt my hand being held, in the nice finger-interlocking way - the first time for me - at what... age 25.. ? - LOLZ.
ahem.
yer, so - we returned home, she would leave my city that morning, driving back to hers.
a little later after this, maybe a week or two - she wanted to return, so we organised her return.. we had talked about starting a relationship between the visits, I wanted to see how things went - I wasn't convinced, really... but it was my first go, so maybe this was normal..
she came, and we had a pleasant first afternoon - had a meal, sat close to each other, playing monopoly with other friends, then it came time for sleep..
She was to sleep on the floor of my room, but after complaining about how uncomfortable it was, i said.. "well.. you could sleep up here, and I'll sleep down on the fl........".. "OK.."
she climbs into my bed at the same time as me, and we continue talking about things..
we kiss - and kiss, and kiss, and kiss.. in truth, my first kiss of any consequence..
kissing became harder, more passionate.
our behavior didn't get anywhere close to hardcore, (through choice, obviously) but.. y'know.. it was intense for me.
that week kinda came and went - and during it, I knew pretty surely that I didn't 'love' her, I didn't even desire her any more.. and so shortly after she returned, I told her I didn't feel anything like she did - and the brevity of it was all too.... well.. brief. a week-long fling.. somethin like it anyway.
after this experienc I started questioning things, Why didn't I fal in ove with her, why didn't I find her attractive enough to keep a relationship going, why this, why that, why didn't I love another desperately beautiful woman in my life...
Might I be gay? -
*JOLT*
.. over the next week, I began understanding things... things about time and its linear nature.
Things about myself, and what my imagination is capable of convincing me of.. The big moment for me was that, while talking with a gay friend that week, I remembered the surname of one of his gay friends - ... *JOLT*
It was just.. unrecoverable - i remember looking past my monitors at work, through the window, wondering what I did to deserve this pain.. I panicked for the whole day -
I couldn't go home, sick, because that would mean having to admit this to someone..
No - it's here.. here in work - I need to work, and get past this.
days past, the mood didn't go away,
i started analysing my life to this point, thinking about old loves, women I would have given my life for.. wondering if they were all fake, if those loves were all lies - wondering whether it was just what my culture had taught me to lust after, rather than what I, Me, wanted.
I went to see a film that weekend with a friend - Team america - World police..
the whole thing was great, until the 'suck my cock' scene.. even fucking puppets - i was going out of my mind.
Then I started wondering if I was attracted to my friend!? - a guy I'd known for 7 years up to that point.. it got worse, I started questioning fundamental relationships in my life
wondering whether I found my sister attractive, my mother, my dad, my boss, people, men, women, drivers of other cars, while commuting to work, men in the gym.. -
I was so tired.
I was lost, and noone could help - I thought I was alone in suffering this (a common symptom associated with ocd).. I was embarassed by it...
I didn't go to the gym, didn't go to friends' houses for fear of fancying them, didn't spend time around my family..
I washed my car nearly every day one week, because it took me outdoors, away from people..
I went home from work one day, told them it was a stomach flu.. and stayed off, the next day - February 14th..
I was sat infront of my laptop that morning, and I wanted to test myself, test whether my emotional compass had any reliability.. The numb feeling is also common - I fully apreciate why people self-harm.. although it didn't come naturally to me during this period.. in fact, didn't come at all.. not even hitting stuff
I sat there looking at the screen, looking to msn, and I think back 2 years.. back to when I was as deeply in love with a woman, as I've ever been.. I bring up my msn privacy settings, and re-add her to my list, and send "Hey...." to her.
I look at the bit of msn that tells you when they're typing - and my god, it tells me she's typing.
*JOLT*
She didn't know it was me to begin with, .. we talk and talk and talk .. - for days it seemed.
I wasn't in heaven; talking with her was totally a reaction to my ocd dose, and depression, but it felt great anyway.. but, most importantly - I was totally intimidated by her, totally nervous about talking to her again, and so my compass was working.
.. Another reaction to the depression was to get in touch with that girl I'd spent new years with.. I thought maybe that giving it another try was gonna snap me out of it.., so I visited her a week later, with something to prove to myself...
I have never known guilt like it - all that weekend I couldn't snap out of it.. couldn't deal, at all.. I knew being there was a mistake, I knew I'd hurt her, I knew I didn't feel anything real for her.. I returned home after that weekend, miserable, depressed, sad, upset.. As it happens I was even more sure I didn't love her, or even fancy her.. and as such, I avoided her totally after it, hurting her immersurably.. more importantly tho - I was deeper into this OCD..
I had tested myself against a female, and failed totally, I didn't love her. and that's what I guess I lost then, I lost all faith that I'd find love. doubted everything before that I had identified and believed to be, Love..
Failure and panic -
HOWEVER
i kinda made it my mission to get over this - Love was beautiful, but it was for now, lost - and I wanted love back.
i began reading up on depression (the overwhelming pressure not to admit i was in a depression was a big hurdle)..
then searched for stuff like.. "worried that i might be gay",
then "worried might gay"
then "worried gay depression"
.. eventually I found a forum about ocd where other sufferers collaborated to pull each other out of their respective, depressing doorways..
This thing had a Name!!!! - it had a name I could point to, and say .. THAT'S WHAT I HAVE!
firstly it was a condition, a known one, that people deal with!!!
secondly, I wasn't alone - this is monumentally important..
I found accounts of people suffering this -
one guy who had suffered for it for 16 years..
FUCK THAT!
.. as I sit now, I remeber part of his account/story - basically - his 16-year olng battle boiled down to simple conversation with the last of many therapists..
"would you go on a date with another man?" "NO.. absolutely not....!!..."
"so you wouldn't ever sleep with another man?" "... NO -.... !!.. "
"so why are you allowing this to still dominate you - " - " ...because ....... I don't know for sure.. ! "
"listen.. this condition can't be finished with a test.. you can't get closure because of a test - I remember a guy coming to me with a complex about AIDS - he truly believed he had aids.. "
"... but there's a test for that.... i mean... he can know for sure!!...?"
" absolutely, he can. but tests don't matter for ocd, it's about relaxing the emotional muscles so that the ideas can just come and go"
like a breath of fucking fresh air -
not only does it ultimately boil down to your own belief in your own preferences..
but it's just a matter of time.
at least it was for me..
CBT - exposure therapy - getting used to that which you fear, not meaning much to you..
granted, it opens the door for getting over things easily - things which one might not want to.. like love - you don't want to get over love quickly.. Love should be important, and significant in life.
conveniently there's a gay guy working where I do - and a transexual.. the exposure therapy bit would be fairly easy.. I'd just talk with him..
I'd spike, occasionally - and return to that forum - but the gaps got bigger between visits..
the spikes got fewer, and further between..
I started a new relationship - perhaps too soon after the ocd.
We've been together since then - almost 4 years, but it's a bit rocky..
I'm thinking it was in part a reaction to the depression, another woman-test..
over analysing..
.. as it turns out, there is another woman in my life - and it's that Star that my compass could align itself to, in that cloudiest sky, 4 years ago..
I believe I love her, and I want to see her..
everything she says to me, invites me there. but I'd have to give my girlfriend up to go..
and there are absolutely no guarantees.
about anything.
12.
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