.. unfamiliar familiarity..

So..

I've been hurting for 2 weeks,

I've not been woken by my alarm in those 2 weeks - i've been woken by intense fear and panic, on average, 2 hours before it goes off - I usually sleep through it at 6:30..
I've had a need to either check twitter and myspace from my phone, when i wake in the small hours, or check the web on my laptop, as soon as i wake up at 4 or 5..

Several things have been happening - I think I kicked it off, assuming that it would be acceptable for the new girl to present me as a boyfriend to her family, should I return to her in December..
This was not met with enthusiasm - she said that it would be way too soon - and I bowed to her view - left it totally up to her - which was alright.. but I think it's got her worried from that point.

ever since then, I guess.. there have been dramas after dramas..

a close friend of theirs was involved in a disgusting crime, involving a woman, her boyfriend and her 2 yr old daughter. I'll keep it light on details, but the child died at their hands, and they tried to incriminate a non-existant 3rd party.. they're both off, scott free.. I was concerned that this had hurt her family, so i was worried for her.

During hearing about this.. I called her from my cellphone - the line was shit, so i told her I'd call right back, from a landline.

in the 2 seconds between her opening the line, and starting to talk to me, i thought i heard her talking about how semen tastes...

granted, she and I had been quite adventurous in bed - and there was plenty of room for her to be recounting our experiences, but still.. - to hear it from someone you love, without context is .. y'know.. weird.. I shook it off..

I'm thinking I'd forgive her pretty much anything..

Like, before I flew to her - calling what I thought was her number, to hear what sounded like a porn film on the other end.. lots of sex-noises..

I called back right away, to find her calm, barely awake on the other end. I shook it off..


shaking off her inconsistent behaviour is making me so tired..


I text, and get no replies. She says she's busy, and I fully believe that she could be really *that* busy, but then i discover her twittering during the day - No time to text me back (she texts SO fast.. ), yet time to post photos?

I'm feeling so Used, so taken-advantage-of..

the absolute last thing I wanted to be, was a quick shag, and a week in 4-star hotels for free..

Having known her for almost 10 years, it was the absolute last thing i expected, but the more we get away from the holiday bliss, and more into the reality of how we both seem to be handling things now, the less I'm thinking of the good things - I'm mourning them.

and feeling properly fucking betrayed.

Every Logical fibre of my being, tells me that I've been used, comprehensively -
and I'm almost more terrified of there being a fully plausible, miraculous all-covering reason for this borderline-abusive behaviour..

This week, she was abused physically by a family member..

Who does she contact?

me.

cries down the phone to me for 45 minutes..

was it an act? to tell me that she's been insulted on the basis that she sleeps with men, not of her race? and that I would "be killed" if I was in a position to go round to take her away from that place..

does she know what she's saying?
does she have any idea? - could she really be *that* naiive?

it seems I don't know her well enough, nearly.
when I thought I did.

that's something she's been saying, and I've been defending, because I want a future with her so much..

what is on my mind, is January - she's had a flight booked to come to my country in january....
I thought that going before this, we could establish an 'agenda'.. and I could find out by visiting her, how January could be, for me/us..

how I proceed over the coming days and weeks, will probably define 'january'

She'll be in the country probably , for 8 days -
the original plan, was to split it between her friends in another city, and me, here..

I hate to think that she'll be in this country, in this city, at the same time as me, and i'll be going through hell, not being able to see her..

My parents already really don't like her -



I'm so disappointed and upset, I can't put into words how sick i feel right now..


I didn't eat today -
I barely ate yesterday.. Hopefully weightloss can be measurable, soon..


I've been saying today, that I'll probably get a sign from her, either a call or a text, JUST as i'm starting to feel that there's no hope.. and she Yanks me back in..


how much of this REALLY is her?
how much of this REALLY is me? -


my imagination gets me into REAL trouble..



I'm so tired, and upset, and sick, and tired..

I have to be tough.










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