.. Shit got real..er.

So..

it's been ages since I last wrote to myself, here..

but things have ramped up.

to re-cap -

I got swine flu.. 2 days in, Girl 1 finished with me - I've not heard from her since then.
I think of her often, but for short periods.

My focus is very much on Girl 2 right now..

She called me within a few days of the end of my relationship - and indeed a day into the flu..
trying not to read into that, she said "how could I not call, since you're sick and Single..."
I'm pretty sure she meant, "how could I stand by, unsupportive, while you're dealing with illness, at the same time as dealing with a breakup..".

.. still - as it happens,

She called me one sunday night.. I guess around midnight, her time -
the friday before, she had suggested I call her, and I'd suggested in my last private tweet to her that she texted me to let me know if calling would be convenient.. and she just called anyway.

the conversation meandered to some guy that she was kinda finding chemistry with there, but was 41.. she's 26? .. kinda tough to listen to for me, but all the same I made the half-joke..

"Maybe I should just come and rescue you from him.."
she replied -
".. yeah, I guess you will".. or words to that effect..
so I then replied..
"well.. - I've got a free week at the end of september.. and the means to come over.. ?"
her - "you're serious..."
me - "yeah, i'm serious.. would you be up for it?"
her - ".. hell yeah.."


*win*


.. so this thing rapidly ramps up -



We've texted or called pretty much every day since. she picked up a new laptop recently, and it has a built in camera, and wireless internet.. so like, we can skype.

we first skyped a little over a week ago.. and finalised whens and wheres..
so I booked flights as soon as I'd cleared the time off.

I'm fucking going.. !!!!!

it looks like we'll do 3 days in her home town, and 3 days in another, nearby city..
It means getting up Uber-early for me, so that We can talk before I go to work, but still..

we've skyped twice, and there seems to be a lovely chemistry still..

I skyped with her this morning, at around 5:30-6 my time..
she was in a cafe with internet - and we talked about Hotels.

I made something of a screw-up, by asking if she'd rather separate rooms or shared rooms when we go to the other city -
she seemed fine with sharing, until realising that there would be a double bed, instead of two singles.. it was the first time I'd seen her nervous; not able to place her words well.
I hated that she felt uncomfortable.. But still couldn't seem to stop thinking about the possibility of something intimate.

over the last 5 years, since she and I were close before - at least, since I was last in a position to be majorly hurt by her, I've been through plenty that should have taught me all about building up hopes. I've asked girls out, I've been with 2 women.. one for 4 years, the other for about 4 days.. I've come to understand things about expectation and disappointment.. but NOTHING halts the swell of these dreams..

I've learned from my last relationship how the force of someone loving you can be intimidating, so I just want to be as outwardly relaxed as possible toward Girl2. I don't want to confess love, intentions for physical proximity, dream-like relationships, moving to be closer to her, plans for marriage, and a successful life..

Right now, my mind is fired up with all of this - it's a carry-over from how I imagined life in a relationship to be, from my childhood.

I remember falling in love for the first time, at 13, not being able to do anything about it but imagine that I had 4 years to do something. The object of that affection was a year older, italian, and beautiful.. and I'd worked out that girls can get married at 18.. so therefore I should position myself such that she marry me at 18.


I can't help thinkin about the first moment I see her in the flesh.. I want to hug her.. i want her to feel my arms around her, I want her to smell the fragrance that I bought in 2002 and have been saving for her. I want to smell her perfume, and breath it in deeply.. I want to effortlessly make her feel more comfortable with me than she is with any other man in the world.. I want her to want to stay with me some of the nights i'm there..

I remember times from our ealy friendship when she and I would talk on the web, from when the sun came up for her, until the sun came up for me.. strange talking long into the night, then the early hours, and the morning - seeing friends from around the world sign into msn briefly to check their breakfast-emails..

... I'm pretty confident that romantic physicality is a subject that gets her nervous.. at least with me.. and why not - we've never met.. but in one way and another we've gravitated emotionally toward each other, time and time again since 2001.. I took every opportunity back then to tell her I loved her, it must have annoyed and frightened her.. someone so far away putting all that pressure onto her.. I'm not expecting anything intimate, beyond the platonic intimacy that any civilised confident person is capable of..

she seems philosophical about it though - "what happens will happen.. "
I Pray that it goes well.. granted, if it goes well I'll be moving 7000 miles from where my home is.. 7000 miles from my family..


the thing is, that as you know, avid reader, she has flights booked to here next year. My intent is to hopefully get something that can at least sustain until she comes here in january..
I've done the "travelling to a partner you've never met" thing.. and it has to be more terrifying for a 55kg girl, than a 115kg guy..

ideally, she'll be able to choose to stay with me while she's here,..
in a perfect world, she'd 'want' to stay WITH me.. while she's here..

but January is a long way off -


it'll feel fucking close though, when i get back from seeing her..


I really hope that it becomes something that I would move heaven and earth to experience, rather than something I would want to move heaven and Earth to ignore.



over the years, I know that disappointment is based on expectation and high hope. but that experience and knowledge doesn't stop the dreams keeping me awake all night..

I barely slept last night, knowing I'd talk to her at 5:30am..
it felt like a really child-like christmas.. pure excitement..
"bright lust".. lusting after something so honest, and pure..

rather than dark lust..



I honestly feel like I want her...


and speaking to her makes me happier than I've felt in years.




I'm excited, yet crapping my pants..




12.