the mail i'll never send..

So yeah - that girl from the last post - the girl I fell in love with, years ago..

I'm in love with her all over again,
long story short -

meet through forum: chat, email, email email email, chat, text, chat, email, chat, text, chat, text, text call, call, call, call, call, call, - whoa.. I fucking love this girl -

for whatever reasons, it all ends -

and now here - now.. after years' innocent correspondence, and several relationships each, i can't shake the thought of her.

recently (within the last 4 or 5 months), we helped each other through tough emotional times.. her partner cheating on her, and my loss of a family member..
Shortly after the latter, all this emotional, sensitive, feely bollocks comes back to haunt me..

I wrote this mail in the social networking site's message window, and couldn't send it..

so it's here, if only so it's somewhere saved, ready for me to copy, paste and send to her, when i wake up thinking of nothing else..

:


I know I wrote less than 2 days ago, that I hate disappointing you - but I fear I must risk it here..

I can't really pinpoint when, maybe the moment after nan died and we were talking on the phone - or the week after, when my friend and I were chatting to you, drunk, and on the web cam - but you escaped the part of my mind where I can deal with things quickly, fairly and equally, and you returned to the part where you were all that time ago, where I involuntarily hold onto things, memories, feelings, dreams, hopes - and where I have no choice but to allow them to dominate my waking life..
I've spent nights awake, since - trying to shake you out.. and trying to think about other things, focusing on my girlfriend, and flying to her in 3 weeks' time, but I can't stop thinking about you..

you can't believe how difficult, choosing to write this was..

Of all the things I considered - you, your life there, your work and play there, your happiness there - the relationship you're probably just about to embark on there, they're all so important..... - I can't believe I'm considering writing this sort of email again to you..

lesser things - .. my life here, my work here, .. my relationship (whatever that is...) waking up everyone morning until you reply, terrified by what I'll find on the social networking site.. looking at your profile to see if your status has changed from 'Single' to 'in a relationship'.
they're all incentives to just not write this - to not think like this.

it' so pathetic, and I can't believe I'm nearly 30, and thinking like this all over again - i can't apologise enough.

The hopeless romantic in me writes this, wanting to hear that you've been covering up similar thoughts and feelings recently - and that various things have stopped you confessing, or announcing..

I simply know that you can't be thinking like that.
I know, compared to my life, your life is full,

i dream about going to your work building, posing as a courier with a parcel for you, and revealing my identity as you sign for the empty box..

or a flower deliverer, hiding behind the bouquet..

I dream about getting to your house, calling you from outside your window, waiting for you to realise that I'm right there, finally.

I dream about a life together..

i keep thinking about dialling your old number.. ..
i dialled it every day for months and months, it's burned in there.

I think back to talking with your dad, and the fallout afterward - and people's advice about letting you go, and that if it's meant to be, it'll come back..

Here you are - back.. maybe, - and the timing's terrible.




---


that's as far as I got, before the conscience-reflex kicked in..

it's hopeless - .. not hopeless.. but Difficult beyond reason.

she lives at least 10 hours away by plane, and I've never met her..
yet I'm obsessed by her, by what I know about her, about what i feel for her.

we've 'felt' each other totally since we started correspondence.. this was late 2001, i think.. -
The affection comes and goes.. and for years she popped into my brain, as I (metaphysically speaking), popped into hers - the odd spontaneous check-up text from her confirming this to my fickle psychology..

There's a girl where I work that looks like her, and who i find delectible.
but she's married - so i'm trying to deal with that.


.. Add this to the situation i have with my current partner - who lives a mere 4 hours away by plane - and who i seemingly cannot please with anything short of a marriage proposal.

not for me, now - or, maybe, more simply, not her..



I'm determined not to think myself into a depression again -
so typing this helps.


god, i'm weak.





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