I'll admit, Christmas day was a pretty good laugh - I spent it with my parents (obviously - I still live at home), my sister and her boyfriend. The 5 of us.
The whole deal was pretty good, really - I'd drive to get my sister just before christmas dinner, so that they could stay overnight, not worry about the car, get absolutely wasted, sleep overnight, and I'd take them home on boxing day. That was the plan, and it worked beautifully.
There was a bit of a crisis - they'd brought a Wii, but not Wii Sports. The Wii is nothing without this, so between the main course, and pudding, we made the 40-minute drive to rescue wii bowling, and a couple of other bits.
I'd expected it to be a weird one, really - it's the first Christmas without my grandmother - she died last month. So i was thinking of mum. My dad's mother had died when he was much younger - in his 20s i think..
She was snappy pretty much all day, and point-blank refused any assistance. However - given my limited experience with women (by choice, obviously), this might simply be a woman-thing.
At the very end of the day, I followed her to the kitchen, wondering how she was managing - she said she was fine. I followed that with the pretty expected sentiments of 'i ca't believe how quickly this one came around', and ' only 364 days until the next one'..
she countered them with "Maybe there will be 6 of us at the table next year".
Yes - I didn't have a table-companion.
For all intents and purposes I'm single.. my actual girlfriend is, as I've mentioned, 4 hours away -
and, hilariously, the woman I love is over twice that.
I hate that there's a distinction between the two - have I lied to my girlfriend our whole relationship? Was it a convenient lie to encourage her patience with me? Was it a lie, made easier by a lack of actual romantic intrigue in my life?
how much of my relationship with her was a reaction to a depression some years ago?
ugh.
I guess this process of getting things into language does reveal some thoughts that might have otherwise not had an airing - plus it allows you to reflect on what you've just written.
if only for a moment.
3 days ago, this other girl said to me ".. you know how much I love you..." (no I don't, but it gives me the best opportunity, after 5 and a half years to again say) "well, I love you, too...."
Y'know those 'gourmet' microwave meals you get from the supermarket, that have a photograph on the front which paints the contents as the meal that you will come to long for, every single time you're feeling hungry... yet once it's cooked, all you can smell is the plastic tray, and all you can taste is the fierce temperature..
you can't empty it onto a plate, because no matter how beautiful the plate, disturbing the....whatever it is.... will only take it further away from that photographic fantasy...
And its nature also won't let you leave it to cool - as all of its beauty is engineered to find it's peak when it is flesh-searingly hot. All of its fats and oils will start to solidify within 4 or 5 degrees of "piping hot", the parsley non-garnish and cheesy sprinkles will slide into the pools of orange oil that always form with microwave food.
"you know how much I love you.."
All I was tasting was the plastic tray - which probably means I was looking for ambrosia the whole time.
To put 'you know how much i love you' in a context :
I had asked her about it it would be if I went to see her, and spend a week in her city.
"""... so here's a question
if I did turn up.. I mean.. - just appeared in front of you one day, there, and said that I'd be there for a week.. how would it be for you? -
( i know i keep coming to this topic, i'm sorry - it's in my mind lately)
Her -
just messed up. lol nice but messed up i'd be like... there's something missing... like, a monitor screen.
Me - :) :)
it'd be like that for a couple of seconds, if at all.. I mean.. day to day.. seeing people you know.. how would we be together, how much time could you spend with me.. y'know.. real stuff :):)
Her -
oh yes, of course ;0
:):)
hey babe, gonna head home or rather, get my hair cut :):) i'm quite excited!
:P:P
Me -
.. excited at the proepect of a haircut? .. :):) - have fun anyway - it can only make you more gorgeous i reckon .. or maybe not ! :P:P ,,,, but listen, have a think about what I asked?
Her -
i think about it all the time dude. i guess the moment will decide for itself. :):)
you know how much i love you.
Me -
- well I love you too
Her - aw. fuzzee. :P:P
but dude, so sorry... running late ... hold that thought til tomorrow?
Me -
.. i hold it too much - it'll be there tomorrow whether I like it or not ;);)
Her -
(K)
Me -
(K)!
Her -
hang in there!
hehe
huggles and such.
:):)
have a good day babe
_____
it's pretty comprehensively confusing i think,
I'm obsessed with the thought of her, just like i was before.
and it takes massive efforts to even try to stay away - thankfully a lot of the day involves me doing other things, so she's hardly in my mind. But there inevitably comes an image, or an association of thoughts that trigger memories that bring her to mind - and i'm dealing with her presence - worrying about her safety, envying the people she's with - wishing I was slimmer, prettier, more muscular, and more where she is..
it's been so long though.. :(
i'm over analysing - which i do, often.
i think this is the last remnant of rumination from a less secure period in my life.
I'm not saying for a second that I've cracked it, but I loved this woman, when i didn't know what true emotional obsession was - or at least, when I was a lot less careful about obsession.
however! -
it's saturday, and it's freezing cold, and crisp and clear outside,
so I'll get some sub-zero sun!
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