The difficult 2nd post....

So originally I opened this blog to be a frivolous venture into making embarrassed examples of the pathetic, useless, and often expensive gadgets and toys that litter my unnecessarily cool glass desk.

I find myself here, now wanting to do something different -

I've been to and from the "new blog" bit of this thing, wanting to start another blog under a different title, in an effort to start something much more personal.
a space where I can be honest with myself.
Still, that watch, with all its bollocky, pretentious design, and too-expensive to be cheap/too cheap to be expensive-ness, could be the key to some self-discovery...

So the title, and shitty first post stay.

I'll just make the content different yet totally not related to that catchy title.




a little bit like the film "Rush hour"...


Anyway..

I'm a firm believer in the therapeutic benefits of simply talking about stuff. Airing that which is on your mind, without the almost expected need for answers.

I had visions of writing down certain things - events in my life that have maybe slowed me down, or sped me up, or simply stopped me in my tracks.
if only so that they're there, as either a reminder, or a diary..

However, I've had 15 profile views since posting that one message, over a year ago -
it leads me to believe that those people possibly read what I wrote. If that's true, they probably looked to my profile for explanations..

That means if I write personal stuff, people can read it.


I'm not sure that I'm comfy with that yet.



And there's the whole anonymity thing.. I've had a long 'career' online, and have always thought that there's no point in taking part in forums/chat rooms/instant messaging, if you're not honest. Partly because I don't have a keen enough memory to be a consistently brilliant liar..
(or brilliantly consistent?)

The stuff I want to type into this, is stuff that I hold from pretty much everyone in my life. except my mother. She knows and hears pretty much everything I go through.


This 'writing stuff down' concept - I got it from someone who was big in my life about 6 years ago.. The first woman i confessed love for. And it turned out that I was the first man she had such feelings for, too, but she had trouble resolving it, to her own satisfaction.. I'm assuming that in discussing this with her friends, one recommended she write a letter to herself - and mail it.

For the purpose of the exercise, she writes down her thoughts, and feelings as they exist in the moment; positives and negatives. Ideas and thoughts noted down in that moment can be long-standing opinions, or purely emotional sentiments, but they all flow from the brain to the pen-tip in that moment. When the letter arrives, two days later, the moment has long passed, and the familiar feelings and emotional ideas are read next to each other, and perhaps reveal unseen, yet obvious truths, good or bad.

That letter-writing exercise confirmed to her (in too logical a manner, perhaps?) that she did have love for me - and it made me unarguably the happiest man on planet earth that day. Ultimately, though, complications and circumstances conspired together to force us to end that relationship, before it really found its voice.
I guess this was one of those events that stopped me in my tracks; it was the single biggest heartbreak i have ever been subjected to.

She's still significant in my life, in spite of the sheer distance - and my girlfriend, in cold, frank terms, is a complication - but who knows what's to come?



While that was the biggest heartbreak, it wasn't the biggest emotional scar.
I hope to have the balls to write about that, on this place where people can read.

and maybe comment.


BUT! It's almost midnight, and I like sleep!






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